Carry that weight (Fruk)

14

Francis held me close to him as he kissed me. There was nothing like this sensation. The way he traced his hands down my waist, then back up toward my torso, felt euphoric. It is strange thinking about how much I had wanted him. I didn't realize how much I wanted him until it happened.

"Will you let me continue?"

"Yes..."

I was lying against the bed as he lay on top of me. Francis reached his hand down to the hem of my trousers, pulling at the ends a bit. It was insane how much it drove me crazy. "You can do whatever you want," I laughed nervously. Francis continued kissing me, feeling for the button so that he could undo it.

He began eagerly undoing my button, and I was frozen. "Wait, are you sure you want to do this?" I asked. He separated from the kiss, looking at me sweetly. I wouldn't want to think he was playing with my feelings, but he probably was. He loved my brother; I loved him and would do anything to make him happy.

"Yes, it would make me very happy," he spoke. He pushed some hair out of my face, leaning in again.

"But what about my brother? He would...be upset..." I sat up a little, feeling anxious. If we continued, then, Francis cheated, and I was just as bad as Lucile. "He doesn't have to know...he is forgotten...I don't know who Alistair is," he spoke. Francis began kissing me again, and I felt frozen.

He trailed kisses down my neck, and I couldn't stop thinking about my brother. Why? Out of all the times to be thinking about him, why now?! This was a dream come true, yet I would betray my brother.

"Wait, are you sure?" I asked again. Francis looked at me seriously and was a bit annoyed. He and I were excited, but I couldn't stop thinking. "Why should I care about him? He cheated on me first, right?" He asked.

My eyes widened, and I sat up again. "How do you—"

"I know everything and know that much!"

"What? Are you only doing this to get revenge?"

I looked at him and knew he could probably see how sad I had gotten. What else was I supposed to think? He was obviously taking advantage of this situation to get back at my brother. And me...well, I was the fool in this game.

"Why do you care? You knew about his affair and didn't tell me; it is the least you could do for betraying my trust. Some friend you are!" He snapped. Once again, my eyes widened, and I felt horrified. "No! I had my reasons! I didn't want to—"

"Lose me? Yeah, well, things are ruined, so the least you can do is kiss me and help me get back at your brother. It's the least you could do for everything you did! For everything you lied about!" He yelled. I wanted to explain my side of the story, but it was like I couldn't say anything. Like my mouth was sewed shut, I was cursed to endure hearing the ugly truth.

I was trying to apologize, but I couldn't.

"Now, shut up, and kiss me!" He demanded. Francis began kissing me again, and I was stuck. The kiss wasn't loving anymore. It was filled with rage, envy, and all things hateful in the world. He wanted revenge and would use me to do it.

After feeling my body sweat, I jumped up from the bed, holding myself. I was lucky to have forgotten about my open window and was relieved to feel a cool breeze hit my skin.

I felt sweaty, and it didn't help that I was somehow out of breath. I felt gross and sick. How on earth was I supposed to take this? How on earth was I supposed to deal with all of this when I couldn't even deal with myself?

It was just a dream...

A good dream at first...a great one...

But then it turned terrible. Like my guilty conscious was controlling all of it. I felt guilty. Now I had another secret to add to my secret bin...meaning it was filled up, and I would get anxious like the last time.

However, now wasn't the time. I couldn't let Alistair find out that Francis and I kissed, and I couldn't let Francis find out that Alistair was seeing his sister. He might get the wrong idea about my confession and think I was doing it to lessen the blow from my brother's affairs.

I grabbed my phone, looking at the time. It was still ridiculously early, and I knew I would return to sleep soon. Well, I wanted to, but I felt my mind would start racing again. I needed to get some weight off my back, I needed to admit something: nothing crazy, just a small secret from when I was younger. I'm sure it couldn't be that bad.

I noticed a message from my brother Conner. He hardly reached out to me, so I didn't waste time to see what he sent me.

"Can you come by and help move furniture tomorrow? Call me in the morning if yes!"

I groaned, reading the message, throwing my head back against the pillow. Well, it must be some serious furniture if he asked me for help. I could call him in the morning and ask for details of when I should go. This was one way of distracting me outside of work.

God...

I can't believe I nearly had a sex dream about Francis!

"Shameful," I whispered to myself. I knew telling Francis was the right thing to do, but I was getting deeper into the hole, and it was starting to scare me how deep it was. I didn't think any of this would happen from seeing my brother and Lucille, but now I have to bare the weight of most of it. This was fine; I needed to take breathes! Everything would be fine!

I need to find my happy place!

Yes! My happy place!