𝐟𝐢𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧. eita otoya

⁰¹ | 29th of 01, year 2020

to my dearest,

it surely has been a long while since 2019th july, the month and year i did what i did to you. i was deceitful. a mere apology isn't enough to cover it, i know that better than anyone. either way, i hope you'd understand my side of the story- that day, after i confessed, the very first weeks we talked, went out, i knew i was truly head over heels for you. i was on cloud 9, perhaps even over the moon. it felt surreal to be together with someone as amazing, beautiful, and talented as you are. words were not enough to explain every feeling i felt when i was with you, and i had to show you how i felt with you. i talked a lot about you to my friends. every time we'd hung out, every sentence and word i spat out were all as if they were handpicked by my brain. all of them being either about you, or anything related to you. they didn't really approve of you due to those "sketchy" rumors that posed red for you, but i didn't care about their opinion. they certainly didn't see the utmost side of you i fell for.

around three or four weeks, we still talked, though i reconnected with a female friend. we caught up with each other and talked, that's when i got totally confused. i felt weird around her, flustered around her, but the problem is, i knew i still loved you. looking back, my feelings for her were probably all just platonic, nowhere romantic nor similar to my feelings with you. since i was utterly confused, i did the unthinkable. i ghosted you for that very dumb reason. i restricted you from my life completely, ruthlessly. i wanted to talk to you again, but i felt much too discouraged. i feel so fucking guilty because i watched you wait for me and how your pals told me how you'd been holding up. i am deeply sorry, i could spend every day of my life apologizing to you until you forgive me. the guilt i feel haunts me every day and i choose to ease it a little whilst i write this. when i found you studied at the same college as me, i wanted to take the opportunity and attempt communication with you somehow but i was too cowardly and discouraged. so i avoided you in all ways possible, again.

i know i might just end up talking to nobody but i hope this reaches you. i don't care how long it'll take. it's a great amount of chance i'd probably be under the shadows for God knows how long, but it's not too bad to look for the 1% possibility right? i'm not obligating you to forgive or reply at all, but you reading this, eventually, will mean the world to me. i want you to know how apologetic i am. i want you to know that i feel guilty for everything. either way, i don't want you to accept or forgive my apology due to sympathy. i don't wanna let your soccer pals i still have connection with, know that i'm secretly sending you a letter, with the help of my grandfather, either. i want you to stumble upon this letter, and those following by fate. you'd probably make fun of me for making a letter this cheesy and cliché, hehe. anyway, i think this is the end of it.

i love you, otoya.

love,
n/n ♡