𝐟𝐢𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧. eita otoya

⁰² | 7th of 12, year 2020

to my dearest,

i haven't been doing well at all since the first letter i sent you. yet, i knew you'd be upset with me if i didn't take care of myself, so i'm still holding it together just for you. i am aware that i have no business writing to you in this sporadic manner, all the while knowing you totally ghosted me as i did you. i anticipated that you would undoubtedly comment on my audacity the moment you realized that the letters were written by me, but would i care? years ago, when i was grieving about you and feeling discouraged over trying to reach out to you. i wrote letter by letter, as hesitance and insecurity became one within me, whilst i imagined you and your former soccer buddies making a scene and laughing heartily in response to my letters, which i sent in effort to communicate with you.

every night, i long for your presence. desperately hoping you were here with me at every moment for the rest of my lifetime. the pale crescent moon gleamed in the night sky like a slivery claw as the night sky was aglow with brilliant city lights. i stared out the transparent glass window at the stunning landscape in front of me as fireworks flashed, wishing you were there with me. i couldn't help but hope that a shooting star existed; you miss my presence, as much as i do. otoya, i can't promise i'll be able to keep pace, at least not for much longer, but as i said, i'll keep holding onto my fight. all for you. you still drive me crazy after all these years. my hearts completely surrenders at the thoughts i have of you each night.

she advised me to take better care of myself, but how am i supposed to do that, while memories of the way i treated you in the past stays within me? they fail to acknowledge it. i don't deserve this much concern, you did. i'm aware that i keep going back to the past events, almost as if i were stuck there eternally, yet i can't seem to get over it. i never knew how hard it was to move on, and to carry this heart aching burden every day. i don't think i'll ever get over you and i, at least not until i know you've forgiven me. i keep asking the Gods to send me your way so i can see you inside the hospital, but you don't have a particular someone to see anyhow, do you? i roam further beyond normal. i don't care that carrying my iv stand around is exhausting. although it was impossible, i'm trying everything in the hopes of seeing you.

i miss you so much, otoya. i miss your face, your presence, your voice, i miss every part of you, those which i cherished so much before. it haunts me, otoya. the thought i will eventually forget all of you, sends me shivers down my spine. i'm afraid that i will forget our memories-- my memories of you.

i wonder how much more attractive you look now? hehehe. christmas is coming up quick. i hope you have an amazing holiday and, a christmas day, full of love and joy. i love you, otoya eita.

love,
n/n