Taken by fate

Chapter 26

No. No. No.
NO!
I couldn't love you.
I mean I knew I had feelings towards you but there was no way that I was in love with you.
With the person that stole me.
The one who kept me trapped in the basement for weeks. Who put a metal collar around my neck to keep me from leaving.
With the person who always kept your word and was so sweet and caring. Who said that this house was mine too, who built me a bed and was planning on taking me on a trip just so I could get out of this house.
I was in love with you. Running my hands over my face and through my hair.
Was that why I couldn't leave before?
Why I spent hours standing in front of the gate unable to open the latch?
That feeling of utter fear I got anytime I tired to think of leaving?
Was that fear, or was it something else?
Has something inside me already known that I was in love with you?
Pacing around my room with the door closed.
We were both quiet as we ate and again the food was delicious though I couldn't enjoy it with these thoughts going through my head.
Finally I decide to leave and that's when my feelings decide they don't want to be jumbled anymore.
This wasn't fair.
I was staying for a selfish reason, to avoid life but maybe that was just my excuse to stay.
Did I want to stay?
Chest tightening at the thought of leaving my parents in the dark knowing that if anything happened to them I would want to know. Know that they were safe. If I knew that then I would be fine.
They had no idea what happened to me, where I've been or even if I was still breathing.
There was no question anymore I had to leave. There shouldn't have been any question in the first place.
It was late. The sky outside was pitch black the moon hidden behind clouds.
Was the window unlocked? Walking forward pushing the blinds aside pulling the locks out.
The window pane slid easily upwards. Cool fresh air hit me, winding through my hair as I heard crickets playing their song, chirping away. The only noise I could hear, not even the sound of an engine driving down the road.
Plenty of room for me to climb out, I could leave now and you wouldn't even know.
Be long gone before morning hit.
What would I say when someone found me?
Help! I was kidnapped.
They would take me to the police station immediately where they would ask me all kinds of questions that would lead them to you. They would expect me to tell them, expect me to want to tell them. To get you locked away so that you couldn't come near me, but I didn't want that.
There was no doubt that what you did was wrong and that's all they would see. The monster that I once believed you to be. They wouldn't care that you had suffered loss and abuse, they wouldn't even bat an eye when they would throw you into a cell. Not caring that you were actually a sweet person, or that you've helped people before or that you helped me.
None of that would stick because the only thing they would see you as is the criminal who stole someone's kid and kept her for months.
Except this wasn't just a black and white situation. You weren't just a monster and I wasn't just a victim. There was so much more than that, to everything that's happened, every choice that we've made, that I've made. The biggest one was choosing not to leave that first time I found the gate unlocked.
Now the last thing I wanted was for you to get locked up. There had to be another way for me to get home without having to say anything about you.
I could lie. Give the police false information. Say that I had been taken by a fat old bald guy who kept me locked in a closet. Then they wouldn't know anything about you and you would be safe.
The only thing I would have to do is be able to keep my story straight and not change any of the key details. Sending them on a wild goose chase though the fact that they didn't find me in the first place would serve them right.
One of my shirt sleeves had come unrolled and the thought occurred to me that a fat guy wouldn't own a shirt this small. Would they be able to track you down with this shirt? Having your DNA in the fibers or something like that?
If I left I would need to change.
My clothes that were in your bottom drawer. I could change into them before I go. Coming back in the same clothes that I left in, that would make sense. Though I wouldn't be able to get them now, I would have to wait for you to leave.
Looking at the bed knowing that I needed to get some sleep but my body was too wired and I knew that even if I tried I wouldn't be able to.
Tomorrow I will be home.
Shutting the window and putting the blinds back into place.
After tomorrow I won't see you again.
Throat aching as I held back my tears, holding my arms over my chest as I paced the floor back and forth in a straight line.
Equal parts happy to see my parents again, terrified of going home and facing all the questions and sad about leaving you.
I just wanted everything to stop, push the pause button.
Without thought, opening my door and barging across the hall through yours.
Rumbling from the bed as you leaned up in bed with your hair all over the place looking disheveled as you looked over at me.
"What's wrong?" Tone sounded worried as you sat yourself up not taking your eyes off me.
"Can't sleep, can I stay in here with you?"
"Of course." Lifting up the covers as you slid over to your side leaving my space next to the wall. Crawling in getting comfy as you laid the sheet over us both, laying your head on the pillow next to mine.
In the darkness all I could really make out were the whites of your eyes, how they were barely open and looking at me though I couldn't tell your expression. Though that also meant that you couldn't see mine either.
Were you smiling? Lifting my hand up, placing it on your jaw as my palm wrapped around your cheek feeling as it raised up.
You were smiling.
"Hi."
"Hello." Tiredly mumbling back to me.
Thumb following the line of your nose down to your lips running across them slowly, you didn't move. Just let me continue my blinded course of your face. Hot breath breathing onto my knuckles.
To think there was a time when I didn't even want to be near you let alone touch you.
Moving up higher into your hair combing my fingers through the thick soft strands as a huff of air passed through your lips.
"You're going to put me back to sleep if you keep doing that."
"Don't you want to go back to sleep?"
"No, I want to keep looking at you."
"But you can't see me."
"But I can. I don't need the light to know that your eyes are light blue right now, or that you're raising your eyebrows making cute little lines in your forehead."
Consciously putting them down, not even aware that they had been raised.
"Don't need the light to see the red that's flushing into your cheeks right now or to know that your eyes are fluttering around. Or that your lips are always fresh in color because you bite them constantly, that everytime you speak the tip of your nose moves with every word."
Pulling my hand back to my face touching my nose. "It does not." Yet I felt it move as I said those words. Your light laughter filled my ears as you ran your hand up my arm until you found my hand pulling it away.
"Don't laugh at me." Using my other hand to swat at you.
"I'm not laughing at you. I would never laugh at you." Tone serious. "It's adorable, just one of the many things that I love about you."
Those words.
How you said them so readily, as if you knew for sure.
Though maybe you did, and you've meant them everytime.
Knowing now that I felt the same way.
"Eli."
"Yes Sarah."
"Were you ever scared that your father would find you? After you left?"
The atmosphere seemed to change then, becoming thicker and harder to breathe. My ears had a light ringing sound in them as the silence drug on though I knew you were still awake, your thumb gliding across my hand that you still held.
"I was never scared that my father would come after me." Your voice, coming out a little strained. " All he ever cared for was where his next drink was. The only time he ever looked for me was when he wanted a punching bag." Feeling your hold tighten just slightly. "Though I was always careful, if I ever did get caught by the police they would have taken me back to him and I made sure to never let that happen. There was no way I was going back to that place though he did make it easy. Never posting any missing flyers or nothing like that, though that was probably because the bastard didn't have any pictures of me."
"So you don't have any pictures of you when you were younger?"
"Nope no one ever took any."
"Not even in school?" They always took pictures in school for the yearbook if nothing else.
"Maybe like one picture, I'm not sure. I was usually absent on picture days. Didn't care for them."
Thinking back all my pictures were usually pretty bland, though I usually never looked at them all that much. Staring at them for too long was the same thing as looking in a mirror for me. If I looked for an extended period I could find every feature that I didn't like, but there was one photograph for every school year.
"That's a shame, I would have liked to see one."
"Not much to see. I was a scrawny kid with scruffy hair."
"Well that hasn't changed." Lifting my hand from yours up to your head raking my fingers through the middle of your hair shaking it just a bit.
"Are you making fun of my hair?"
"No, it's cute, I like it."
"You just called me cute."
"No, I said your hair was cute."
"I'm counting it."
Shaking my head as I couldn't help but laugh now that you were back to your childish, joking self.
I was going to miss that.
Fire as you swept the hair over my face around my ear.
"I love your laugh."
Again I could feel the blood rush into my cheeks, like they always did when you gave me a compliment. Hand warm and rough but also so familiar.
Gliding my fingers along your arm until I got to your hand pulling it closer as I placed my open palm onto yours. My hand was small compared to yours, fingers stopping just under your top knuckles. Calluses from repetitive hard work covering each individual finger going down into the creases of your palm making your hand thicker.
Wrapping my fingers in yours, turning over so that my back was against your chest, your arm laying over my side.
"Good night, beautiful." Feeling you kiss the back of my head.
"Good night."
Resting my head on my arm lowering into the fluffy pillow.
Good bye.
Closing my eyes against the tears.
Laying there for so long that I felt your breathing go into rhythm.
In, out. In, out.
It hadn't taken much time for you to fall back asleep. Though I also hadn't been keeping track. Spacing out, trying to come up with a plan, some way for me to get my life back without taking away yours.
Eyes open staring into the blackness.
There was also the chance that you would follow me but for this to work I needed you to stay. So I had to figure out a way to convince you to let me go.
That was not going to be easy.
Still I had to try.
Tomorrow I will send you to the store to get the mirror for the bathroom and after you leave I'll change back into my clothes and go out the back gate. From there, I would keep myself hidden until I was far enough away from here. Too far to lead anyone back to you.
Then I would wave someone down, ask them for help, make up a story and have them take me home.
Home.
My chest ached at the word. Going back to my parents, seeing them again after so long, seeing Amara. This was the longest that I've ever been apart from any of them.
All that time.
Have their lives settled already, my absence already becoming tolerable. Would going back now only cause an uproar of problems. Was this the right decision?
Was staying here the right decision?
No. I had to go. Leave. Get away from you for just a little while.
Figure all this out.
Maybe once I get away from here I'll see things differently. Maybe I didn't actually love you, maybe it was just because you were here. Maybe I did just have Stockholm syndrome and once I got back home I would get back to myself.
Not even believing myself, stopping myself right there.
Too long that i've been here, too much that i've come to know and figure out. About myself and about you. That wasn't just going to go away or disappear when I leave.
Disappear, now there was an idea.
Now that could actually work.
Pretend that I couldn't remember anything. Then I wouldn't have to answer any questions, and wouldn't have to keep up with any small details. I wouldn't have to explain to people why I did what I did or talk about what I've been through. Just act like nothing even happened.
Like you didn't exist.
They wouldn't know.
Why would I lie, I've been gone for months.
They would just be glad that I was back and safe. Let's just hope that they leave it at that.
The only ones who would know the truth would be us.
You brought me here to protect me from the world. Now I just hope that I can protect you when I go back to it.