Eyes on me

019

Porchay sat at the foot of Kim's bed after the brunette told him to. Porchay allowed his feet to dangle over the bed as he played with his fingers nervously. He watched as Kim took a seat opposite him, on the floor and Porchay resisted the urge to get the latter on the bed too.

"Congratulations on passing your exam." Kim uttered, with a small smile catching the boy off guard. It was the first time he had ever seen Kim smile and it was nice to know that Kim was capable of feeling happy too behind the stoic facade.

"T-thank you, Phi." Porchay responded, as he gnawed onto his lip shyly.

"Sorry for calling you out at the last minute to speak." Kim mentioned, as he cleared his throat. Porchay could tell that the man had a lot on his mind by the way his eyes would shift.

"Not at all." Porchay reassured as he waited patiently for Kim to say what he wanted to. He didn't know what it was, but it definitely was bothering Kim.

"I am sorry." Kim blurted after moments of silence had passed.

"Oh.." Porchay got up immediately from the bed, confused. "What for, Phi Kim?"

Kim chuckled cynically as he clucked his tongue. "For being a jerk to Macau."

"You weren't." Porchay said, "And honestly I think Macau didn't mind the least bit."

"I don't know." Kim sighed exasperatedly, "But I haven't been the nicest to him."

Porchay walked towards Kim who was on the floor, his head hung low. It was the first Porchay had ever seen Kim so disheartened and it pained him to witness.

Porchay slid his back against the wall, as he sat next to Kim. "I know..you're just worried that he knows about us, our arrangement. But I promise, I have not said a word to him." Porchay tries to suppress the ache in his heart every time he is reminded that what Kim and him shared, wasn't real. It's a contract that will expire and Porchay doesn't know when but he hopes it wouldn't be too soon.

Kim didn't say anything. He just sat there in silence next to Porchay, leaning his head against the wall, defeated. You're wrong. I was..jealous. Kim wanted to say, but the words never seemed to come out now that he's seeing Porchay face to face.

He was afraid, yes which was ironic especially for a man whose hand is stained with the blood of many, a man who has killed countless people without a single remorse not blinking once when blood had splattered all over his face.

But if there was one thing that Kim was fearful of-

It was love.

You see, when you kill someone, it's a one-off job. You pull the trigger and that's it. No aftermath. No complications. But when you get hurt by love, it's an emotional torture that haunts you forever. No matter how hard you try to forget, it's a piece of you that always remains and that scares Kim.

He was once a man who believed in love too. He fell deep in love with the man he thought was going to be the love of his life, but 2 years was all it took for everything to crumble into shambles. The day he lost him, was the day Kim knew he wanted nothing to do with the mafia world.

–

Flashback to 5 years ago...

"Please." Kim pleaded with tears in his eyes as he held onto the man's ankle desperately. "Don't go."

By now, Kim's voice was hoarse. He had been screaming for ages, begging for him to stay. They have been together for 2 years and never would have Kim thought this would be it.

"I can't do this." The man spoke, in agony as he gripped his suitcase firmly. "You know this life with you being in the mafia isn't for me."

"I promise I will leave." Kim croaked. "I am trying to."

"But you can never." The man interjected then, with a resigned smile. "You know it too."

"I just need time." Kim tried to justify but he was met with the man's dismissive gaze.

"Time waits for no one, Kim." The man asserted. "I don't want to live my future constantly cowering in fear, afraid that someone might kill me any moment."

"I don't want that to." Kim let his tears fall. "And I promise you would never have to. I'm speaking to my dad right now, and after today, I will be out of the Theerapanyakul family. We don't have to run away from mafias anymore."

"We could have a small house on a nice farm.." Kim continued, "Just you and me. We can spend our days cooking, tending to the farm, and then ending our days off with cuddles and-"

"You're dreaming, Kim."

The man's words cut sharply through the air, and through his heart.

"What?" Kim whispered, like he couldn't believe what he had just heard from the man he had fallen in love with, and still is.

"Please, don't make things harder than it already is." The man said calmly as he looked at Kim, seemingly unmoved.

When Kim didn't say anything, the man sighed then added, composed. "You need to move on." He said, "I wish you nothing but the best."

And with that, the man left with his suitcase, out the front door.

And out of Kim's life.

—

"Kim?"

Porchay's soft voice broke the brunette out of his thoughts.

"Are you okay?" Porchay asked, worried and Kim could only nod in return.

"You look pale. I'll get you some water." Porchay offered, but just as he was about to stand, he felt his wrist being gripped prompting the boy to look at Kim.

"Stay."

Porchay heard a soft, pained whisper. The first time Kim had shown any emotion in his face.

"Stay with me, please." Kim said, almost pleading as he tightened his grip around Porchay's wrist like he was afraid that the boy would disappear if he went out of his sight.

Porchay was a little startled by the sudden request, but seeing the torment on the latter's face, he sat back down next to Kim. Was he still upset about Macau? Porchay thinks to himself, puzzled.

But he kept himself from asking because by the looks of it, Porchay could tell that there was more to something that meets the eye and whatever that thing is, it's tormenting Kim inside. As much as Porchay wanted to know, he knows he is not in any position to ask Kim too. After all, he was just a nobody to Kim except as a partner, from a relationship borne out of convenience.

But when Kim laid his head on his shoulders, Porchay froze. He could smell the scent of mint in his hair and the way it tickled against his neck.

"P-phi Kim?" Porchay called out to him, slightly surprised but more concerned.

"Just for a while." Porchay heard him mutter. He could hear Kim's breathing come to a slow, his eyes closed, but his hand still firmly gripped onto Porchay's.

Porchay could have pushed him away. This..was not part of the contract and Kim made Porchay sure of it. Yet, Porchay echoed Kim's last words - Just for a while, Porchay thought as he allowed himself to relax.

Just for a while, Porchay thinks it's okay to be selfish, to yearn for someone that was out of reach.

And just for a while, Porchay wants to believe that maybe, just maybe, Kim felt something for him too.

---

a/n: double update this week while i can because i don't know when the next update is going to be :')