Death of a Daredevil

Dying Once

I never should have agreed to it.

But that wasn't my first mistake.

The first had been to hit Jimmy Taylor in the head with a board when I was nine. If I hadn't done that, they wouldn't have put me in Sipler's class where the losers got put. I wouldn't have met Shane. We wouldn't have become friends — conspirators is more like it. If I hadn't met Shane, I wouldn't have become a regular, hanging out at the train station, making small trouble, being known as a delinquent, getting a reputation as a daredevil, liking that reputation.

Wouldn't have happened.

But it did.

And the reputation stuck, inside and out. "Ivor will do it. He'll do anything once."

So I agreed. Because I always agree. "Hell yeah, I'm no pussy!"

I'm 16 now, but because I hit Jimmy with a board when I was nine.

I'm about to die.

But not just me, because Matty is gonna die now too.

I mean, this shouldn't have been hard. I can climb a tree as good as anyone. Fifty feet up, out the branch, grab onto the other branch, into the second tree, and down. It looks cool from the ground too — these two really tall pines with lots of branches, at least higher up, and the stubs of broken branches lower. I know something about trees. I could see why Matty thought of the dare.

It's a real fifty feet too — not like forty that you say is fifty — which is what made it worth a dare. An Ivor dare. Piece o' cake.

Not.

Because Matty had climbed way up the second tree. To be 'a judge,' he said. A judge. Like they couldn't see me from the ground? And he had come out a ways onto the second branch — to be sure I didn't cheat he said

How the hell could I cheat? I'm on one branch, I grab the second branch, I keep going. No way to cheat. I think he just wanted to be cool. Ivor cool.

Shit, my hand hurts.

And he ragged me. "You gotta grab it so you're holding both at once," he said. "That's the rules."

No one said that rule before I started. He was just making them up. Rules.

Right.

And Ingrid's down below bawling. I hear her. She knows we're gonna die. There's no way out. She's crying and yelling, but no one can hear — no one that can help. No one will come, and so what if they did?

Now the wind comes up, and I can't hear Ingrid so much, which is nice. And the wind feels good, too. Feels like strength coming to me. Lifts me and pushes me. Well, really, the branches, but I'm a part of this branch now. Part of it, but not forever. Only for as long as I can hold. Only that long.

Matty had to have his rules, and I had to say, "What?" Because I didn't really hear him the first time. And I said, "What?" again, because I really didn't believe him the second time. And then the third time I said, "What?!" was because I didn't know what the hell I was supposed to do that was different than what I was already doing.

But I had to follow the rules. Daredevils always follow the rules, because that's how you know you really did the thing. If someone can say, "Yeah, but you didn't..." then it doesn't count.

And so Matty had to try one more time.

And he had to come out a little farther on the branch. And he's bigger than me. Not fat. Just bigger. I'm smaller, but strong. Strong like a mongoose.

Mongooses are cool. They fight cobras, and they usually win. Not always which is what I think makes it really cool. That they don't always win. That sometimes they get bit. And die.

Dying.

Never thought about that. Never. Not in any of my dares. Not when I ran the trestle. And the rule was, you can't start crossing the trestle until you hear the train horn blow when it's about to cross Creek Road, which is when the train is getting up to full speed and is only about a quarter mile away from the end of the trestle. I ran. I made it. I followed the rule. I didn't think about dying once.

And it's weird, but I can't really think about it now either. There's too much in my head. I look down at Matty, who's holding my arm so tight I can't feel that hand anymore. Can't feel it at all. Like it's the first part of me to die. And Matty's crying, because he knows he's going to die too. He has to know. He's not smart, but he has to know, because he's scared — to death. So scared he pissed. I saw it dripping down fifty feet, sparkling in some sunshine. But he won't let go. He only has to hold up one.

I'm holding two. Him and me.

...I can't let him go. Yeah, I'm thinking about that. But I can't. I can't shake him off. Everything is too tight. He's so heavy that the arm he's holding is like a piece of steel welded to my body. I can't move it at all. And my other arm, same thing, only it's welded to my hand. Which hurts.

Bad.

Oh god so bad.

It hurts bad. It's holding the branch. It doesn't even seem like my hand, because I can't really do anything with it. I feel it, but it only can hold. It's holding.

Holding.

But it can't hold much longer. Can't.

You can tell when your body is about finished. Like when you do pull-ups, and you've done thirteen — I can do thirteen — and you start number fourteen, and you can't. You're done. Nothing you think or try matters. You're body just..

Won't.

It won't.

See, what happened was, Matty slipped when he came farther out. The branch didn't break. It just bent. More than he was expecting. He could climb okay, but he didn't understand what the branch would do like I did. He thought it would stay still, but it bent. He wanted to be cool, so he came out. And he slipped. It happened fast, so there was no thinking. Just reflexes. Just hard grabbing and some fast sounds from both of us strong, quick, terrified sounds, and then it was over. The beginning of the end was over. He is hanging on me, and I am hanging on the branch, and we are way too high up, and there's rocks and roots down there.

Way too high.

Ingrid is bawling. Some other friends are standing or arguing, and looking. Looking up, but not standing under us. They weren't under us when Matty peed. They wouldn't get under us now.

Matty is actually a good kid. Not smart, but he goes to church, and he's just good. Not one of Shane's friends. He and Ingrid and a couple others were just down in the woods when Shane and me and Ace came by. They were just in the woods, but we were gonna party, except not really, because all we have is smokes.

But we're not mean — Ace and Shane and me. We're just rough. So we talked and laughed with those guys. Joking. Pushing and fooling. Daring. That's how it starts.

That's how it started.

That's how it always starts.

My hand is burning so hot it can't...

Shit I have two overdue books...

Fingers feel like there's no skin...

My cat sleeps with me sometimes I like...

Pounding, burning, screaming...

Almost got to second base with Alicia, maybe...

Slipping oh fuck...

Forgetting something forgetting, supposed to...

No. Slipping. No!...

Shit I'm sorry Jimmy really sorry really sorry...

I can't...

Sorry sorry so sorry, mom, mom, mama...

I can't...

"Mama please?"

Burning burning burning burning just...

Let go.

Staring up oh god I never should have—