Death of a Daredevil

Normal

I'm back home and back in school.

So what happened? What happened is that the next morning after Ricky visited, they moved Saquan to the ICU.

After Ricky left, Saquan seemed really embarrassed, but also really happy.

"Shit, nurse is gonna see my cum on the sheet," he said to me when Ricky left. "Can't believe that," he said. "Can't believe that boy did that to me. I ain't gay," he said, then he laughed small. "Holy shit," he said. "Holy shit."

We talked more. A lot, but not about what Ricky did. But the more we talked, the more Saquan started looking bad and slowing down. His eyes got that deep scared look. Deep scared, like his eyes were connected direct to his guts, and they showed what was true -- that Saquan was bad sick and hurt, and he wasn't fixed. Not yet. ...Not ever? He fell asleep early. They didn't try to wake him to make him eat or anything. He had nurses coming in and out all night. Every five minutes I think. He had more tubes than any of the roommates I'd ever had, and they kept working on them, like they were never quite right. All night long.

I don't know what happened to him. The nurse just told me when I asked, "he's down at the ICU," she said. "They can take care of him better down there," she said. "Don't worry about him," she said. "How are you this morning?" she said, all smiles.

I texted Ricky quick that morning, saying don't visit because I had stuff going on, which turned out to be mostly true, because that afternoon they let me move my butt. Then they let me sit! I couldn't believe they let me move and sit when my pelvis was in two pieces two days before! Anyway, I had PT on my shoulder while I was sitting -- same two guys, still with the shots first, still with them doing all the moving. Before they left, they stood me and I walked a bit -- well, except my right leg is still a joke, and I couldn't do a walker because I couldn't even set my right hand on it, so it's more like they walked me. But, hey, that was my ticket to rehab, and I'm thinking Heidi!

* * *

But no Heidi. I asked, 'where's Heidi,' when another nurse came in to get me ready for bed. 'On vacation this week,' she said. Fuck. Well at least I could do a little more for myself and the diaper thing was totally done, so...

* * *

Anyway, only four nights in rehab, I'm home on Sunday, and it's Monday, it's lunch, and I'm back at the same table with Ingrid and her friends. Ricky's here, which I'm glad of, because I'd been putting him off since Saquan -- I just didn't want that... that thing. That idea that he might do me like Saquan. I still didn't get that. But now I'm glad he's here. It's great, though, because no one is as interested in me as they were the first time.

Why? Because you have to see how things aren't too far from normal after awhile. Normal -- like I had never fallen. Like Matty had never died. Normal. See, it's because so far this hasn't even been the main part of the story. So far. But I had to tell it all, because it's in my head as one thing. One big story. And so that first part of the story is mostly over -- the falling and hospital and rehab and coming back part -- and now I'm sort of back to normal, except I'm a wheelchair kid now. So now I can get to the big part of the story, because I'm running out of time.

...Except there are two more things to tell first.

* * *

Shane.

So now it's kind of normal again, except not Shane. Because somehow Shane has gone way down at the school. People used to pay attention to him, because he was cool, and tough. I don't know, I guess that's it. Cool and tough. But now, people don't pay attention to him. They kind of snap at him if he's in the way or something. Ace doesn't hang with him anymore. Shane's not mean -- he doesn't get mad -- but he gets quiet.

And I know it's my fault, because I was such a big star for awhile, and I didn't let Shane back in. So everyone is kind of acting like I've been acting. No one's got room for Shane now. They don't think about it, but if you asked them, they might say it's because Shane somehow fucked me up, which I guess is partly true if you're a counselor or some kid's parent. But I don't think so. I mean, yeah, I haven't wanted to hang with him again, but so what? Who the fuck am I supposed to be 'hanging' with now? I've only been actually around for about 10 days since July, right? Don't I get a couple of months to figure it out? Ace is okay, and Ingrid and her friends. Ricky came from nowhere, but he's cool. And that's as far as I've gotten so far. That's it. Not bad for about ten total days I think.

Doesn't matter, but Shane matters. You'll see.

* * *

The second thing I want to tell you is about the best thing that ever happens to me in my whole life, and no one will ever know except three of us. ...Well, I think pretty soon, two.