Death of a Daredevil

Who Am I Now?

Yeah, so now I broke something. I think I was supposed to stay mysterious, but now I let my feelings show. I'm waiting. The place is still silent. ...Someone say something... Please...

Aaaah, okay, now they start talking. Everyone almost, all at once. Ingrid touches my arm and gives it a little squeeze. I look around the table and see something on all the faces that I have never seen before. People care. They care about me. Holy shit.

I get really nervous, and I think they see that too. Ingrid puts her arm around me. The girls are all leaning in -- Tomi, Nan, Dennelle. Ace too, and Ricky, this gay boy I barely know. All leaning in. Nan touches my hand. All looking. All caring. I am really nervous. Oh man. Oh man. Now my eyes are— Fuck, I"m crying. Goddammit! Really? In school? I lower my head. Why do I cry so easy lately? Fuck. My shoulders are shaking. I... There are hands all over me now. All over. Fuck, fuck, fuck...

Ingrid wheels me out. She brushes off the senior who's supposed to take me to Global. She also sends her friends away, except for Ricky — or maybe he just ignored her. I don't know. I just need to get out. She won't shut up, though, and now she's crying. I'm not anymore, thank god. Ingrid won't shut up. I don't even know what she's saying, like it's a foreign language.

"Shut up, Ingrid." It's Ricky? It is, it's Ricky. Ingrid shuts up. He takes over pushing the wheelchair, with Ingrid following. Just before we get to Global, Ricky comes around in front of me and says, "that was so brave."

Brave?

"Don't say anything," he says before I can answer him. "I know how you feel. I know exactly how you feel." I stare at him. I barely know this kid. I mean, I've seen him with Ingrid sometimes, and he's been at my lunch table all week, but he never says anything. "Don't say anything," he says again. I don't say anything. I don't say anything for the rest of the day. Not a word.

* * *

Just so you know, my mom and I are fine. A year ago I would have been mad at her and acting out, no doubt, but it's like I finally get her. I finally get that she's like everyone I know. You know, just a person, with a personality that's a little weird. I mean, everyone I know is a little weird in some way. And me? Well think about it. I mean, I am completely weird, and now busted up, too. So mom is looking pretty good.

I talk to her some at dinner. I didn't tell her about the lunchroom, but she got calls from a couple moms, so she kind of knows. But what does she say? She says, "First week's over, huh? Should get easier." That's all she says about it, and it was exactly the right thing to say, I think. I did not want a lecture or some story about her rough time from a million years ago.

Yeah, but what else I didn't want was to have to have my mom help me with... personal stuff. You know. But she has to, because there is no one else. It's embarrassing -- I wanted a nurse to come in, but our insurance won't pay for it. So mom has to help me with clothes. I can't bend, and my right arm is a joke, so she has to do everything from my feet to my thighs. I kind of wrestle stuff up and down between my thighs and waist when she's out of the room, then I call her in to do the lower half stuff, and I cover my middle when she does. But a couple times something didn't go right, and I know she saw my dick. She didn't say anything, but I hate it! Yeah, I know, she's my mom so she saw me every which way when I was little, but for some reason I just can't stand it now!

I need a shower, too. Pretty bad. She mentioned that to me, but I just said, "I got it covered!" kind of mean. But I don't 'got it covered,' so I better figure it out fast.

...I am so tired of this.

* * *

After dinner, I'm in my room, and I hear mom answer the door. "Someone's here to see you!" she shouts. I hear footsteps and figure it's Ace, and I don't really want to see him. But it's not Ace. It's Ricky.

What?

"Hi Ivor," he says.

"How come you're here?" I ask, trying to sound a little mad.

"Because you're lonely," he says. Just like that. Like he was delivering a pizza or telling me my laundry was done. Like it's just some absolutely true thing and no big deal.

I stare at him for a few seconds. ...For a lot of seconds. And then -- aw, no, fuck! ...I start crying again.

Shit.