Death of a Daredevil

It's Okay, Right?

"It's okay. Really, it's okay."

That's me talking, not Ricky. He's leaning over me, crying in my hair. I have my left arm around him. I can feel his breath on my scalp. Feel his tears. Hear him trying to calm down. What happened?

I look over and see Saquan watching. He looks so sad. So weak. His lips are in sort of a sneer -- like, hey, wassup gay boys, get a room. But his eyes want help. Want love. His eyes don't want to die. He has so many pads and tubes. They've got a pillow under his knees to help keep his belly a little looser. There's another pillow thing wedged under his right side so he's not flat on his back -- so he's leaning a little to face me. It's something about helping his intestines work, which I don't really understand. ...Yeah, okay, I don't understand at all.

Ricky has quieted down, but his face is still in my hair. He's sort of... kissing it, now. Sort of kissing my head through my hair a little. I would kind of like to turn my face up from looking at Saquan, but if I do, I have this feeling he might kiss my face. ...Saquan would see. ...Um, and I guess I wouldn't want Ricky to kiss my face, you know? Because...

Because I don't get it. I mean, kissing my hair is already a little weird, and...

Ricky sits up. I turn my head to see him. He looks much calmer -- like regular Ricky now. He looks at Saquan for a while. He kind of waves, and Saquan kind of smiles.

And then, uh oh, the room seems to kind of fade away -- Saquan's eyes make it fade, like they had been keeping the lights brighter somehow, and by looking at Ricky like he is, his power sort of leaves the lights and connects with Ricky. Sound gets louder too -- the sound of breathing. Mine. Ricky's. Saquan's. I see a tiny tip of Saquan's tongue show between his lips. He nods just the tiniest bit. I hear Ricky's breathing change, like he's breathing in more than breathing out. Saquan sort of pulls on the sheet covering his hips. Ricky stands...

Okay, this I do not get. I don't get it. It doesn't matter -- maybe I'm too young, and I'm definitely someone with not much experience (Heidi was my first and only) -- but how does this happen? Ricky said he'd never done... Crap, I don't want to see this, but...

I watch. I watch as Ricky goes over to Saquan, pulls the chair closer to his bed, and puts a hand on Saquan's, who is staring at him. Ricky smiles soft. He sort of rubs Saquan's arm. Sort of... pets it, like he's petting an old dog. A tear runs down Saquan's cheek. And then -- I kid you not -- Ricky slowly slides his hand under that sheet. He fumbles with something for a few seconds, but then he is massaging something under there. I know what, and I'm seeing something I've never seen. Saquan stares into Ricky's eyes while Ricky makes him hard. I can see the shape under the sheet change and Ricky's hand moves different -- back and forth, back and forth. Shit, I know what he's doing and I'm watching. He keeps on, same speed, same rhythm. Not long. Not long -- maybe thirty seconds.

Then Saquan closes his eyes and leans his head back just little. There's no sound as it ends -- he just shivers. One of those-one-time shivers. I see his sheet get wet in a spot. I can't miss it -- it's right there. He's only a few feet away. Ricky gently rubs a bit longer, but then slips his hand out. I see him wipe it on the sheet, but first he brings it to his mouth and tastes what's there. What the fuck? They look at each other. Now Ricky pets Saquan's cheek. Now like he's a cat I think. I have no idea what to do.

No sneer left on Saquan's lips now. The room sees back to normal. The lights and the sounds.

Oh shit, now Ricky pulls the chair over to my bed. What? Me? Does he plan to do me now? Oh shit no. I don't say anything -- I just look at him. He's smiling, and looking sort of guilty, like, 'what did I just do' sort of guilty, but not serious guilty. I don't know what look is on my face, but Ricky doesn't start anything like that on me. ...Do I want him to?

Then he says something, but it seems like it could mean about five different things.

"It's okay, right?"