desire | liskook

39

Lisa
A Month Ago
I stared outside the window to the busy city as I sat in the doctor's office of my shrink.

She went on and on about expressing myself and letting my true feelings show. Well, my feeling is the same as it has always been since I recovered all my memories.

I love Anna, I still do despite everything I remember. And even if she's a danger to me and my pregnancy, I still want to protect her. It's madness I know.

With the return of my memory everyone would expect me to hate her, but my earnest quest to save her from herself have only increased. Maybe mom was right, I would have been better off without these memories.

Jungkook is also hurting and I honestly don't know how to make him feel better without forsaking my sister. It pains me to see him worrying about me each time I slowly recover from one of my episodes, so I started taking things to help make him feel better.

I still can't give up on Anna, not now.

"Mrs Jeon, can you tell me how you feel about your past experiences with your twin sister?" Dr Seo asked for the nth time.

It's as though nobody believes I can still love someone who wants me dead.

"I'm scared... I'm scared that my need to protect my sister might cause me my life. But I'm also scared of losing her again." I replied without looking at her.

My eyes were still fixed outside the window. I love watching people, it calms me.

"And why is that? Why do you think you can't choose between protecting yourself and saving your sister?" She asked again.

Because it's not her fault? Maybe I'm crazy about Anna, but I really can't bring myself to blame her for anything.

"Because we are like two sides of the same coin. When tossed, it's either me or her, it can't be both." I repeated Anna's words once. "If I'm happy, my sister is miserable. And whenever she's happy, well I'm always comfortable with her being happy. I've tried to stop that cycle, so we both can be happy at the same time but it keeps repeating itself. She is my younger sister and I'm bound by a promise to protect her no matter what." I replied, finally dragging my eyes to look at her.

Jungkook would hate me if he heard me say all these things. It always messes with his mood and I hate seeing him so upset with me.

"Or maybe it's your guilt on display. At the influence of strong emotions like guilt, our mind usually arrives at the conclusion that our happiness is obsolete as compared to the emotions of the person we feel we've wronged. But that isn't a healthy way to reason. You blame yourself for what happened between you and your sister when you were both babies, but it's not your fault what happened back then." She countered.

What would she know? She knows nothing of how it feels like knowing that I could have been the reason my very own twin sister would have died.

"You're probably right. But that aside I have a responsibility to protect her no matter what." I replied plainly.

I've been avoiding her long talks for weeks now by agreeing to everything she says.

"Shouldn't your main priority be to protect your unborn babies?" She asked.

Yeah, my pregnancy. Somehow I've unconsciously successfully wrapped it up and lost it somewhere in the shambles of mess my mind has become.

Why can't I think of anything or anyone except Anna?

"Each time I try to make my pregnancy or my husband as my top priority, the feeling of that guilt you talked about come to bed with me. Being selfish isn't a trait I possess even though sometimes I wish I did. I don't know how to control this obsession of mine, I can't seem to move past it no matter how much I try." I replied in all honesty.