Rin's Choice (Sesshomaru x Rin)

Odd

Sesshomaru

Something is wrong with Rin.

I glance her way again, frustrated that she will not tell me what is wrong. If I do not know, then I cannot correct it. If it is something dire, it could mean that I miss something important, something that could take Rin away from me again.­­

And this time there be no Meidō to save her.

I am struck by that odd feeling again, one of those... emotions. I shudder at the very thought, but it must be an emotion, and one that I do not like. It is a sickly feeling, an unwellness similar to when I lost the battle to my... to Inuyasha. But instead of losing to him, I would lose to death itself, and the loss would cost me far more than my arm and a bit of ignorant, adolescent pride.

I allow a quiet growl to rumble in my chest; my human doesn't hear it, but the others do. A-Un and Jaken look at me curiously, warily. Nearby squirrels begin to flee, followed by other small rodents. Farther into the forest, deer begin prancing nervously, watching the small creatures run past their feet.

Their fear gives me a sense of satisfaction, as if to remind them and myself that yes, I am the ultimate predator. Though I do not eat their kind, they should fear me as all things should fear me. For many, I am the bringer of death. Perhaps there is cosmic irony in that. I've never considered the reaching consequences for the humans I've slain, but now I would destroy entire worlds to save one small, fleeting human life.

It is odd.

Is this how a parent feels for a child?

No. I do not think so. I can't imagine my father or mother feeling quite like this.

There's a difference here, then, something substantially different though I do not yet understand.

Is it a bond like most would feel with a sibling (Inuyasha excluded, of course)?

I consider that, consider what it would have been like for Rin to be raised by my side. It feels... off. Not only because she's human, but it twists something in my abdomen. I don't like it.

Is she like Jaken, simply a loyal vassal I have taken on the responsibility of protecting? That feels closer, and yet at the same time not. Though I am older, more powerful, Rin has always been more of a companion to me rather than a servant. She brightens my life, makes the monotony of immortality bearable. I am surely her protector, but she is not under my command, nor has she ever been. I have merely desired that she flourish, grow and become who she wishes to become... even when that became difficult for me to do.

Things have been changing between us lately. I am aware of this, though I do not understand the catalyst. It has changed so much that I truly was not sure if she would choose to follow me this time.

It's difficult to pinpoint the exact changes. They are subtle, but I am quite observant. I've noted that Rin is more reserved with me now, doesn't smile and laugh as easily. She stares at me and sighs. She blushes and looks away, as if I... what is that human emotion? Embarrassment? I embarrass her, somehow, if I'm reading her body language correctly. I do not understand this, and so I do not know how to fix it.

Perhaps this pulling away, this becoming more subdued and self-conscious is a natural progression for humans as they enter adulthood, but if so, I do not like it for Rin. I never want her to withhold herself from me, to bind herself into human rules and laws that take away her smile. She travels with yokai. She should be as wild as she wishes.

Not for the first time, I wonder if it was right, leaving her with the old priestess. I worry the humans corrupted her, forced her to be like them, destroyed the wild spirit I recognized, one that echoes strongly of mine. What did they do to my Rin? Why is she like this?