REIGN | twd | carnid

C h a p t e r F i v e

Carl

A month and a fucking half and I still know nothing about these assholes.

I've been trailing them but there's just too many. I can't risk them noticing me so I have to stay a good distance apart, but it's come to make my entire mission useless. I'm learning nothing about them.

I have no idea how they're evolving or anything other than the fact that they stay in a herd, circling all day. I know they can lift things and climb. I can also swear that i've heard whispers- the faintest of words being spoken amongst the herd. I couldn't make out what was being said as their words were carried by the wind. I don't know what they're capable of and it scares the shit out of me.

It also means that i've been gone all this time for nothing. If Enid's pregnant, i'd have missed the first month and a half of her pregnancy for fucking nothing.

It's bad enough I had to leave her for so long in the first place, but right after we started trying for a baby? It sucks. It really fucking sucks and i'm mad.

I'm mad at myself, mad at the walkers, and mad at the world. I just want to be happy. And I was happy at home but of course it didn't last.

I meant what I said before. When I get back, i'm going to tell Jesus that i'm stepping down because I can't do this again. I can't leave her again.

Living out here on my own like an animal, always watching my back. It takes a toll on me mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Barley having anything to eat, being covered in filth and walker guts to ensure my safety, not getting more than an hour or two of sleep for days. It's all so draining.

I can't wait to go home. I want nothing more. I've been keeping track of the days in my small journal so I know when I can finally return home.

I can't wait to hug and kiss Enid. To find out about the baby. To eat her amazing cooking and to sleep in our bed. To hold her close to me and actually feel safe again. I can't wait to see my friends. Get drunk with them and have a good time. To not have anything to worry about. I can't wait to have lunch with Hershel and ride the horses around the gates with him. To have Judith come and visit us for a few day. I miss everyone. I miss my home.

The only runs I want to be making is one's to bring stuff home for Enid and the baby. To put together a nursery and get things the baby needs like clothes and toys. Bottles and diapers. When I get home i'll build a crib and whatever else the baby may need.

Out here, it feels like it was back when I was on the road, but now, i'm alone. I don't have my family I can rely on. It's me and the world.

I can't wait to take a shower instead of dreading the rain for washing away my disguise and protection. I have no shelter out here aside from any trees I may climb. It fucking sucks.

I'm used to going on long runs for Jesus but this one is the worst. No one out of all of the communities has ever been on a run this long and come back.

I just hope that Enid's okay. That she knows that i'm okay and that i'll come home to her soon. I hope the baby is okay. I wonder if she's been feeling sick. I wish I was there to hold her hair back and rub her back. I wish I could see the look on her face when she found out.

My heart stings when I think about the fact that she probably cried when she found out. From either being sad for confirming she was pregnant without me by her side or if she found out she wasn't. I wasn't there for her either way and I feel horrible. I really have to make it up to her.