Prisoner #56

Chapter 5

The next morning, I quickly pulled away from the mess hall line, eager to speak to Marlin. With my newfound confidence after consulting with Albert, I knew I had to confess my feelings sooner rather than later. Despite that though, my nerves were building, making me anxious, twitchy, nervous. I don't know how this is all going to go down, but what I want to confess has been building up in my mind for way too long. I had to do it today, and that made it very hard to sleep last night.

No, I'm not going to tell Marlin my feelings now. There are too many cars watching, their beady eyes on us. Ricky and Sebbie just existing. I need to get him alone, somewhere, anywhere. Marlin's a former escapee, so I'm assuming he's already scoped this place out, knows every little nook and cranny. He should know of something. The mess hall, or even my old spot, are simply not comfortable enough places for us to have this conversation.

I drove up to our table, putting my food tray down. Marlin raised his eyes at me, a weak smile creasing across his lips. It's not like how he used to smile at me, but at least he was feeling ok enough to want to acknowledge me today. Yet, I want to change that, make things right between us again. Hell, make things better, I'm hoping.

"Good morning, Marlin," I said.

"Hi, Shiloh," Marlin greeted me simply.

I looked up at Ricky and Sebbie, nodding my hood at them. They did the same. Ricky and Sebbie have been even more distant than Marlin and me. I know they are still pissed at me, but once everything is cleared up and they see how Marlin and I feel towards each other, I'm hoping that changes too.

I turned back to him.

"Hey, there's something I need to tell you," I started.

Marlin raised his eyebrows at me, a little unenthusiastically.

"Hmm?" Marlin responded.

"Yeah, well, not now. Do you know of a place, any place, that is private? Like, really private, for the two of us to be..." I gulped before I said it, "Alone?"

Marlin perked up; his expression suddenly turning to one of interest.

"Yeah...yeah, I know of a place. Meet me in the rec yard by the smoking area and I can take it from there," Marlin instructed.

"Ok, ok, sounds good," I said, my nerves building again. Marlin agreed to meet me alone, knowing of a place. I could finally let my feelings be known, but I'm also uncertain of how Marlin would take it after I rejected him once already.

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I was parked in the smoking area during recreation, waiting on Marlin. A few other prisoners were there having a smoke, partaking in casual conversations, the smoke billowing around them. I surveyed them, wishing I could have a cigarette right now, anything to calm these horrible nerves.

Finally, I saw Marlin roll up to me. I couldn't read his expression. Was he nervous? Unamused? Or looking like he simply didn't care what I had to talk about? Anyway, he didn't look particularly happy. Marlin simply motioned me with his tire, not saying a word, instructing me to follow him. I nodded my hood, letting him take the lead to wherever he was leading us to.

As I was driving behind him, I noticed that I was getting a nice view of his 90's sedan ass, just what I imagined in my sexual fantasy...um, multiple sexual fantasies. In reality, Marlin's ass is kind of boring, with big round taillights accompanied by a large bumper adorned with way too much body cladding. Despite that, I immediately blushed and looked away, trying to think of something else. I can't be distracted right now.

I didn't have to distract myself for too long, as we were already upon a service door, which looked like it led to a massive steel building. I looked up, taking in its size, realizing I've never really noticed it before, despite how fucking huge it is. I saw Marlin playing at the lock on the door; looks like he knew the combo. Suddenly it clicked. He pulled the lock down and the door slowly creaked open. Marlin did a quick swipe of the area around us before he drove inside, me following in tow.

Once inside the building, I took in my surroundings. The ceilings were vaulted, rising high above us. There were racks upon racks of miscellaneous things such as cleaning supplies, paint for our prison stripes, and bathroom soap. This must be the storehouse.

I jumped as Marlin closed the door. He drove past me, pulling around, turning his front to look at me head on. I took a nervous breath as we were now staring at each other, not saying a word. While we were parked, I realized how eerily quiet it was in here. No sounds of other prisoners, guards, or anything for that matter. Silence. It was weird only hearing silence, since a prisoner's life is so filled with noise. We never have a moment to ourselves. No privacy. And that also felt strange, being alone. Not like being alone in a crowded room, like I sometimes feel, but being truly alone. Yet, it was even stranger than that, because now I was alone with Marlin.

"Quite the place," I said, breaking the silence.

"Yeah..." Marlin said. "Well, this is the most private place you can get here."

"Yeah..." I said nervously, scraping my tire across the ground.

"Well, well...Marlin, there's something I need to tell you," I started, but to my surprise, Marlin cut me off.

"No, Shiloh. There's something I need to tell you," Marlin stated. His gaze was serious, his brow furrowed, a frown creasing across his lips.

I was taken aback, not expecting this diversion. I had prepared myself to confess my feelings and now Marlin was derailing it.

My anxiety started to grow as I felt Marlin's gaze bore into me.

"Oh?" I mustered.

"Yeah," he said.

He took a pause.

"Well, Shiloh, you know that I was a heroin addict," Marlin started.

I perked up. Suddenly I saw his face transition from seriousness to a strange sadness I had never seen in him before.

"But you don't know why I became addicted to heroin."

My gut dropped. Was this the story that Sebbie was referencing that Marlin would tell me when he was ready? As well as Albert? I never heard the story of why Marlin became a heroin addict, so this must be it.

Yet, as I gazed at him, that troubled look in his eye, I couldn't see it. I couldn't see him being a heroin addict. Or being an addict of anything for that matter. It never made sense to me why he is in prison to begin with, regarding his good nature. So, naturally, my curiosity was piked.

Something bad must have happened.

Marlin sighed deeply.

"Well, Shiloh, 15 years ago I could say that I lived a pretty normal life. I had a steady job at a bank, a house, a wife, a kid..."

I almost choked on my own spit.

"You have a kid?!" I blurted out.

Marlin let a small grin appear on his bumper and he chuckled.

"Yeah, I procreated."

Yet, when he admitted that, there was nothing funny about it. I could sense there was a certain sadness in his voice, his eyes, that made it appear to me that thinking about his kid brought back something like... regret.

"Anyway..." Marlin said, continuing. "I had all those things, and you know what? I was never...happy."

He sighed again.

"Something always felt off about my life. I continued on, raising my family, being a good husband, putting in my hours at the bank, but none of it ever felt, well, right. I wasn't sure what was wrong me, but then part of me knew what it was. I denied and denied so hard that I began to believe my own lies, that I didn't know what was wrong. Yet, it was always there, Shiloh. It was just waiting for the right time to show itself when I couldn't lie to myself anymore. That I couldn't go on. That I had to face me, even if I didn't want to. And to tell you the truth, I didn't like me."

He looked up at me, his face heavy then.

"Shiloh, I can tell you precisely the night when I ruined my life."