My other side

5

When the horses are all inside, I visit a familiar place. Leo's grave. The flowers on it are already dry, but it's too dark to get him new ones now. Besides, he wouldn'd even care about that. Flowers don't help you with work in any way.

I smile as I think of him saying this sentence.

I kneel down next to the grave and I start speeking.

,,I did something today. I rode on Bella with Vincent's son, Wiliam. The things you told me not to do. I wasn't allowed to look into his eyes. I hugged him today."

There was a long pause. Leo would not approve of this.

,,I know you told me to be good and follow the rules, but I don't think I'll be able to. I experienced something that made me feel alive. I don't think I ever felt that. And I didn't know how much I missed it, but now I do. I know you told me to be kind and work hard, no matter what happens, but this is something I can't do anymore."

I remember my dream. Of course I won't say it out loud. I never know who might hear me.

,,Please tell god to have mercy on me."

I stand up and look at his grave for a few more seconds. Then I leave it and sit under a tree again. I look at the sunset. Tomorrow will be a new day. That's the only thing I think about.

I hear a voice behind me and I hide behind a tree. It's an old woman with a little boy. I guess it's one of the maids with Wiliam's brother.

,,See? This is the stable girl. She's hiding behind a tree, and thinks we can't see her." the old woman says, smiling.

The little boy laughs ,,Dirty, smelly stable girl!" he says and sticks out his tongue at me.

I try to smile, but I would rather slap that child. Or rather his father.

The old maid gives me a quick apologetic smile.

,,So now that you saw the dirty stable girl, can we leave?"

,,Yes!" the little boy says, excited.

The old maid leads him inside and then returnes to me.

,,I'm sorry about that. Vincent was lecturing his son about a dirty stable girl and he was begging to see you. You really don't want to know the things he said about you."

I am not going to let Vincent ruin my mood today.

,,I don't care what he has to say about me."

,,If you want advice, my dear, just stay away from the whole family. Including Wiliam. That's all I can say."

Who is she to tell me what to do? I give her the politest smile I can form on my face.

,,And I'm happy to see you. Even if you smell."

Even if I liked this woman a little before, now I just want to punch her. But I hold back, obviously. I even bite my tongue when I want to tell her, oh, I'm sorry that I 'm not accepted inside where your bath is.

I force a smile, but it probably lookes nothing like a real one. The old woman finally leaves and I sit on the ground, more tired of her than work.

When I'm trying to sleep, the ground is uncomfortable. It's weird. I slept here as long as I remember. But this isn't enough for me. How can those maids sleep in soft beds and I have to sleep on the cold hard ground in a house that's about to fall apart? Falling asleep is hard, but my dreams aren't easier.

I see Bella. The next moment, I'm sitting on her and she's running. I feel the pleasant feeling of danger and freedom as the wind is blowing my ginger hair. Someone's arms are wrapped around me. It's Wiliam. Bella stops and we jump off of her. We laugh together, just like today and are about to enter Wiliam's house. The house where I live.

Then suddenly, the picture goes blank and I seee Leo's face in front of me ,,Work hard and everything will be alright."

My heart is beating fast and my eyes snap open. A second later, they are full of tears. Why can't I have that? Why? Why do I have to serve these ungrateful people, while they sleep in soft beds and wear clean clothes? They can go and ride horses whenever they want and be friends with whoever they want. It's so hard for poor Wiliam. He's not allowed to talk to me. If his father didn't exist. Everything would be different.

It's hard to sleep when you keep imagining what could be.

I could live in that large house with Wiliam. I wouldn't have to work and I would just have fun all day, riding horses and visiting the people I knew. Because yes, I would have lots of friends. Then let Leo's corpse be dug up and make him a proper funeral. Like he deserves. Even if he's wrong in many things, he's still my father who raised me. I would bathe every day and wear beautiful clothes. God, those dresses Vincent's wife wears! I never wore a dress. All I had were Leo's old clothes. The old maids wouldn't make fun of me. They would call me, my lady.

I remembered that I'll never had that. And I never will. I start sobbing at the thought that I have to live my life, that's still pretty much in front of me, here in the dirt treated like trash by almost everyone around me.

I hate my life so much. My face is full of tears and I can't catch my breath in between my sobs.

I won't sleep tonight. I exit the house. It's still night. Not being able to sleep the second night in a row, I'm lucky I can't see myself now.

I feed the horses and bring them water. I don't want to harness them yet. It's still dark and they are probably still sleeping.

I sit under a tree and keep wondering. What would it be like if I wasn't a servant? If I was a rich lady, wearing beautiful dresses, being clean and treated with respect.

It'll never come true, but who can stop me from dreaming about it? Vincent certainly can't. If what I dreamed about happens to him, he won't.

I smile at that thought, but quickly realise what my mind is suggesting and chase the thought away.

Even if I want it more than anything...

But I can't do it, of course.

I hold my head in my palms, trying to chase away whatever enters my mind. It wasn't a good idea from Leo to leave me alone.

I stand up and go somewhere where I can clean my mind. To Leo's grave. I kneel down in front of it.

,,Hi Leo. I didn't bring you flowers, but you probably don't care. As you always said, flowers don't help with work." I smile. There is a strange feeling inside of me. As if I feel that he's smiling. No. I rather feel his presence.

I look behind me, but no one's there. But I still have this weird feeling that he's still here with me. And he's judging my every move and every thought.