Author Games: Dungeon Brawl

the Second Scores

Woo hoo! We got entries! Great job y'all. I appreciate you guys turning in even if life hits you like a freight train and you are tired and cranky and don't want to do anything but hide in a ball and eat cheese puffs. :)

Let's get to those scores!

***

Captain Odette Rainmaker: 14.1

Comma splices, are, when you, add commas where they don't gotta be. If you are sitting there asking if it's a comma splice...download free Grammarly or check online. It's actually one of the easiest things to get fixed. I've noticed that the opposite here is also true and that you've got missing commas in places as well. I'll be honest, if commas are just about the worst issue I can find...you're in a great spot. There were a few spots where your phrasing is a little off, but honestly nothing to complain about. Besides, I also had gems like this: "Alright, bitch," she said, pulling out her flask of rum. "Bottoms up."

I'm loving it.

Yasmin Aziz: 14.6

I audibly said, "Same tho." when I read your first paragraph. There are a lot of unknowns in your entry. Not necessarily bad, but it does stand out. Honestly, your entry is very well written with little wrong with it. It's written more plainly than an exciting entry normally is, but honestly, that wasn't bad. I wish I could've seen more around the snake bit, but I liked how you handled it. My only thoughts are that you're writing this more like a classic story, which means you're saving the good shit for later. But I want the good shit now. I'm eager for more.

Marina Santana: 13.5 - 1 = 12.5

Something something I'm writing Marina x Will fanfic--anyways. This was a good entry in terms of writing and storytelling. You really pulled together the two of them and gave us backstory without it feeling like you were throwing it all on us at once. The only issue I had with this entry is the fact that I didn't get enough snake. It, much like the last entry, felt too easy for our main character. I understand wanting to give her some immense power, and I'm so down for that!, but the amount given seems like it's just barely scraping the task and not really trying to excel. I'd want more from this.

Sade: 13.1

I was down for the French, but I wasn't down for the fact that the conversation was going in eight directions at once and none of them pointed toward each other. You write like the bastard child of two books: The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and A Rainy Day in May. I can't say I dislike it as that would be lying but in regard to the task itself, I feel like you wasted a lot of words to get to something very simple. The creativity, in the beginning, simmers out and leaves us with a scorched pan of words that I enjoyed but didn't feel fulfilled by. I'd love to see you stretch the boundaries of your writing and use your creativity to truly come out of the shell you're in.

Aurelia Regis: 13.8

You really have a way with description! I adore it. My only concern with it is that your sentences can be a little heavy and hard to follow the line of thought at times. I'm amazed at the number of y'all who decided to burn the snake. You remind me of my mother but I don't hate you, so this is fine I guess. Honestly, this was a wonderful entry all things considered.

Mordecai Caddel: 14.1

Silas leaned in. "Our power is a gift, but it leaves no mercy. Do not beg for something it won't give." .....you really went there. Damn. Okay. Whatever I'll just pretend you didn't drop the hardest dialogue this round and keep reading. I really enjoyed this entry but I must point out the number of sentences that begin with "NAME did action". There are only so many times I can read the name Mordecai at the beginning of a sentence. You had the most creative way of fighting the snake though, I'll give you that. This was a good entry.

Evelyn Ashe: 14.0

So, the Ash's ALSO burned the snake. The collective hive mind this AG has is fantastic. At first, I was like "wow everyone's burning the snake..." but then it hit me that EVERYONE was burning the snake and it's just kinda funny. The power of friendship, err...arson, saves the day. This was written really well. I found a few areas where the writing was a bit clunky, and the wording was a little off, but it read good and had a lot of fun one-liners. I would have loved to see a little more description of the fire though.

Zhang Jindi (张金帝): 14.7

This was written REALLY  well and it's hard to find critiques when you throw me something that's written really well. Alas, I guess I had to dig some. My main issue comes in realism--not because it wasn't necessarily realistic, but because the way it was described makes it seem like action itself has no, well, action to it. I feel like you missed the opportunity to be a little grittier with the death of the snake to truly show the shock and horror she has at that death.

Kenna Ashfyre: 14

Some phrasing throws me off. "stole out of the bed", "stationed at regular intervals", "if this is meeting is our last", "and it is king" (it's is it is, you were meaning its) hurt me because otherwise, the way the entry is written is extremely compelling. I tried pick the examples that pulled me out of this the most, but there were a few smaller ones thrown in as well. While you have, here and there, a few issues with grammar there's overall a really good story that's being framed here. I love what you've got going. Don't let the writing hold down the writing. You've got a really good style, and a really good description, and you have the ability to write really well. Utilize it.

Rune: 12.9

I absolutely adore the way this is written. There are minor grammatical errors littered throughout, but they don't detract enough to pull me away. They were enough I would say that's your major area to focus on. I love how you paired up here and really used your power of writing without relying too heavily upon description. I would say the writing can be a bit bare at times though, so it's a wary path to pass. Overall, this had a lot of life within it.

Ashlynn "Ash" Dawnsinger: 14.3 -3.5 = 10.8

Sorry, I-uh--I feel like I walked in on something I shouldn't have. I'm so proud. One thing I will say is that you seem to have an issue between description, story, and dialogue. They never exist in the same room as each other. I just want to say, before you get to the end of this competition, that I had my whole competition plot planned out FAR before you ever wrote this. I'm not copying you. Anyways not going to explain that. I loved that your snake made them burn this time, it really blew my expectations after all the fire to the snake entries. I mean, yes, you did burn it...but still. Overall, this was a good entry. Rather pleased.

Samgar: 15

Man, I don't like giving out perfect scores. Makes me feel like I messed something up. This entry made my whole day. It was written with whimsy, it had witty banter, the descriptions were GREAT!, you killed the snake in a way I did not expect at all, and I just overall really liked it. Great job. Thank you for lifting my mood. I read this entry at least twice and didn't feel critical once. Which is saying a lot.