Diary by Annz

start from zero, till I known. but, to you, let's remain unknown, again

to you: we've known each other for almost five years and I'm not sad to say that we will be unknown again. you helped me a lot in what I loved, but at the same time, you discouraged me, pushing me down, pulling me away from being who I want to be. honestly, it's been years since I realized, you were just another human that toxic to me. I am always fearful to step out from a relationship. I don't really have friends to begin with. I could count them with my fingers.

all of my friends are in the love relationship, and I thought we could spark the same energy although not much. but we failed. I don't behave the way you did. you failed to understand that I'm trauma. we were never meant to be. guess God listens to the stories I was deaf from.

you did a great job, able to run away from the memories that burdened you. but, you see, running away, healing, be fine, happiness, not really coming immediately as if you snapped your fingers. I was bullied for years, and the whole school, damn it, whole damn fucking school, teachers are too. so, it were never easy to moving on.

mind you, I told ya, men used to used me. but you keep with your harassment. you never thought of me would offend, embarrassed. I might be showing I am fine with those. I'm not. I told you, it's traumatic for me.

but you forgot it and I need to work on your memory. am I living, to make you functional? function to understand a basic common sense? you don't learn that from home? from past experiences? there's no one being respectful to you? everyone was rude? no one ever spoke to you with soft voices, kind words?

am I the only one?

again, I don't think I should be sorry to you for saying this nor should I thank you for helping me before. you offend me to the point I was thinking to go to police station.

you said, I was enrolled into the university, into this course, which my own lover; theatre, with no talent.

noted, with the blackest pen from my dead heart.

noted, with wettest tears that you thought it just a small matter.

noted, with the meaning, to not see you again, and never regret it.

noted, with this, I closed our chapters, and return to unknown.

goodbye. nice to know you.

(the longest I ever wrote, along with the title)