Loving you hurts

1

1993:

It had been 12 years since the love of your life had died.

Not truly died, but he might as well have.

Maybe it would've been better that way.

Maybe you would've gotten over him by now. Or maybe you would've been able to see him again.

You thought that he'd done something so evil. Everyone did.

Your friends had actually died.

Because of him.

And so as you grieved the man that you thought you knew like the back of your hand, you also grieved the loss of three of your closest friends; Peter Pettigrew and James and Lily Potter.

Many nights for years after that one, you had horrible nightmares - sometimes ones of Sirius being tormented in Azkaban, sometimes ones of him doing horrible, evil things to people; even to you. Either way, they were so vivid that you would scream and cry in your sleep, having to be shaken awake and comforted by one of the few remaining friends you had - Remus Lupin.

That was where things had gotten even more complicated.

Where the guilt had really started to fester and take hold.

Sirius had undeniably been the love of your life for years - even if he had betrayed you - falling for his best friend felt like a rotten move. But it happened anyway.

You could remember how Remus cared for you in the early days, after everything was still fresh - despite the fact that he was too grieving. He could see just how vulnerable it had made you and he was terrified to lose anyone else; finding himself particularly worried by the idea of you doing something to yourself.

There was the countless time spent curled up in your bed, holding you as you cried. He made sure you ate and showered, distracted you with stories pulled from his head or from the pages of a book and wiped away your tears when you lacked the energy to do so.

He even saved you from a drunken suicide attempt on one occasion when your emotions had completely overwhelmed you. You remembered how hard you both cried when that happened - and how much you instantly regretted it. How the hurt on his face made you feel sick with guilt, your mind raced with one question; how could you leave him too after he's already lost so much?

So after that, no matter how bad it got, you knew you could never try to do that again - it would be unforgivably cruel to such a kind man, one you owed a lot to.

It took about two years for your relationship to progress past good friends. The feelings started gradually; he would sleep in your bed some nights after a particularly bad nightmare, holding your shaking body until you calmed down - and much to his own self disgust he started to enjoy the feel of your skin. The way he felt like a strong protector and you his damsel. He'd always had feelings for you but never allowed them to blossom past being a small crush, things were different now though, he could touch you and not be worried that his best friend would kill him for it. After all, could he even call him his best friend anymore?

You also began to secretly enjoy his touch and although your heart still felt locked to Sirius; the craving for a man's love was returning to you one day at a time.