Reflections of Healing

chapter six: getting to know ethan

The next few weeks passed in a blur of classes, homework, and group chats with my new friends. I found myself looking forward to seeing them every day, and I was starting to feel like I belonged somewhere for the first time in my life.

But as much as I was enjoying my new social life, there was still a nagging voice in the back of my head reminding me that I was still pretending to be someone I wasn't. It was exhausting always being "on," always trying to be funny or interesting or whatever it was that my new friends seemed to like about me.

One day after school, Ethan asked if I wanted to come over to his house to hang out. I hesitated for a moment, wondering if I was ready to spend time with him one-on-one, but ultimately I agreed.
I had a fear he wanted something sexual with me, but i tried to not overthink much.

When I got to his house, he showed me around and introduced me to his little sister and their family dog. We sat down in the living room and started talking, and I was surprised at how easy it was to be myself around him. He didn't seem to expect anything from me, and I didn't feel like I had to try so hard to impress him.

As we talked, I realized that Ethan was actually really funny and smart. I had always assumed that he was just a dumb jock, but he had a lot of interesting things to say about his classes and the world in general. We talked about our favorite books and movies, and I was surprised to find that we had a lot in common.

Eventually, we decided to watch a movie together. As we sat on the couch, I found myself inching closer to him until our arms were touching. I wasn't sure if it was intentional or not, but he didn't move away.

After the movie ended, Ethan walked me to the door and we said goodbye. As I walked home, I couldn't stop thinking about how comfortable I had felt around him. For the first time, I didn't feel like I had to pretend to be someone else in order to be liked.
But at the same time, I was starting to feel something else bubbling up inside of me. Something that I wasn't quite sure what to do with.

I was starting to have feelings for Ethan.

It was confusing and scary, and I didn't know what to do. Part of me was terrified that he would find out that I wasn't who I had been pretending to be, and the other part of me was terrified that he would like me back and then find out the truth.

I was stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I didn't know what to do.

As the days passed, I found myself thinking about Ethan more and more. I would catch myself staring at him in class or daydreaming about him while I was doing my homework. I tried to push the feelings aside, but they just seemed to get stronger.

It was quite weird for me, cause i felt like i was obsessed with him

I was starting to realize that maybe pretending to be someone else wasn't worth it if it meant that I couldn't be with the person I actually liked.

But the question was, could I really be brave enough to be myself around Ethan? Or would I continue to hide behind my facade, afraid of what he might think if he found out the truth?

Maybe my real self just isn't worth loving