Reflections of Healing

chapter eight: the nightmare

I wake up with a start, sweat soaking through my clothes. I look around my room, disoriented and confused, but then the memory of the nightmare floods back to me like a tidal wave.

In the nightmare, I was standing in front of a mirror, staring at myself. But it wasn't the fake version of me that I've been presenting to the world. It was the real me, the one that I've been trying so hard to hide and suppress.

The real me was angry, disappointed, and full of contempt for what I've become. She berated me, telling me that we fought so hard to accept ourselves, and I ruined everything. She said that I was weak and pathetic, that I let other people's opinions and expectations dictate my life.

I tried to defend myself, to explain that I was just trying to fit in and be accepted. But the real me wasn't having it. She told me that I was a fraud, that I had sold my soul for the approval of others.

And then, in a fit of rage, the real me lunged at me, and I felt a sharp pain in my face. I woke up, my heart racing, and touched my cheek, half-expecting to feel the bruise from the punch.

I sit up in bed, my head spinning, and try to catch my breath. The nightmare was so vivid, so real, that it felt like a premonition of some kind. Maybe it was a warning, a sign that I need to stop pretending and start living as my true self.

Suddenly, I notice something strange. The posters on my wall, the clothes on the floor, the makeup on my dresser, all of it is different. It's like I'm seeing my room through a distorted lens. And then, I hear a voice, a familiar voice, one that sends shivers down my spine.

"You can't escape me, Maggie. I'm always with you, no matter how hard you try to pretend I'm not."

I turn around and there she is, my real self, staring back at me with eyes full of disappointment and anger. I try to run, but my legs won't move. I'm frozen in place, watching as she approaches me, her fists clenched at her sides.

"You think you can just put on a mask and be someone else? You think you can just forget about all the pain and the hurt and pretend that it never happened?"

She suddenly raises her hand, I stand there, frozen in fear, waiting for the inevitable impact. But then something strange happens - my real self stops, and gently touches my face. I look up at her in confusion, unsure of what she's going to do next.

There's a sarcastic look on her face that makes me sweat nervously. "Do you really think I would hurt you, Maggie? After all, we're the same person, aren't we?"

I stare back at her, still unsure of what to do or say. I feel like I'm trapped in a nightmare that I can't wake up from.

My real self leans in close, her breath hot on my face. "You've been running from me for too long, Maggie. It's time to face the truth, no matter how painful it may be."

She steps back, and I take a deep breath, trying to steady myself. "What truth?" I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.

"The truth about who you really are," she replies, her eyes boring into mine. "The truth about the pain and the hurt that you've been hiding from. The truth about the fact that you've been lying to yourself and everyone around you."

I feel a lump rise in my throat as her words hit me like a ton of bricks. She's right, of course. I've been pretending for so long that I've forgotten who I really am. And now, with her standing in front of me, it's like all of the walls that I've built up around myself are crumbling down.
I feel tears well up in my eyes, and I can't help but feel ashamed of myself. My real self is right - I've been living a lie, putting on a facade to please others and avoid being hurt. But in doing so, I've hurt myself even more.

Her words cut deep, but I know that she's right. I need to confront my fears and insecurities, to learn to love myself for who I am, instead of trying to be someone that I'm not.

I take a deep breath and look into her eyes, determined to face my true self head on. I see the pain and anger there, but I also see a glimmer of hope and compassion.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, my voice barely above a whisper. "I'm sorry for running away, for pretending to be someone that I'm not. I want to learn to love myself, but I don't know how."..

There was a minute of silence as we both just stared at eachother.

"I'm scared," I admit, my voice shaking with emotion. "I'm scared of what people will think, of what they'll say. I'm scared of being alone."

My real self smiles sadly, and I can see the compassion and understanding in her eyes. "I know you are, Maggie. But you don't have to be. You have me, and you have yourself. That's all you need."

I feel a sense of relief wash over me, and I realize that for the first time in a long time, I'm not alone. I have my real self, the one who has been with me through everything, and who will always be there for me, no matter what.

....
I am losing my sanity
That thought just came into my head
....

But just as quickly as the relief had come, a feeling of panic starts to take over me. I begin to realize that I've lost myself, that I've been living a lie for so long that I'm not sure who I really am anymore. I can feel my chest tightening, my breaths becoming shallow as tears stream down my face.

How did I get to this point? How did I let myself become so lost and confused? I can't even remember the last time I was truly happy without pretending to be someone else.

But again, im doing this for the best, all so i can be loved

(This is all 1118 words, im losing it)