After

Twenty-Seven

Every meeting with her offered another troubling night. He was thinking, always thinking until his mind grew tired and the dreams took over. He wasn't sure as to how to address the matters that consumed his mind, how to approach it without offending her, or for him to seem desperate and cheap.
Firstly he wanted to ask if she had told anyone about them, about him. The whispers would rise anyway, they would become gossip and eventually everybody would know. Yet he wanted her to be the first to tell, not sit down in apathy watching the world talk about them.
They would and he knew, but that small detail was important for him.
The second matter was more difficult, more troubling, in more ways than one. It frustrated him, he was neither inexperienced, nor a boy, yet the words seemed to be stuck on his throat.
He was afraid.
Because his experience came from cheap love, easy and fleeting.
Because she was mature too and he knew with whom she had matured with. How could he compete with a longing that nurtured and grew along with her transition from a child to a woman. The person of her affection didn't matter, it was irrelevant how he viewed her, or what his actual feelings were. Their ending was just as irrelevant. Because at some point in the beginning, the fantasies he was sure she had, had become reality.
How could he compete with that.
He was afraid he would fall short.
A drop heard on the sink.
He should think about another matter. One that he was blocking to the best of his ability. Her presence, his excitement, were overwhelming enough to spend the minimum effort required for that. Still in the temporary moments of quietness, Naruto's face emerged from the shadows that it was cast, fallen and broken, waiting.
His cowardness, his inability to act, to speak, to face the man that was his best friend left his mouth with a bitter taste. He was still unable to stand up to the expectations, he was still the boy that had claimed once that the only way was to kill the blonde, because he was weak enough to cut him off otherwise.
Naruto had hurt her, had devastated her, yet this was not a matter that involved him. It was between them, even if he understood that she was still waiting for an explanation, for an honest conversation. Who was him to speak, when he was doing exactly the same. Avoidance and hiding.
What could he tell, how to face the man that had stood beside him against everything, the man that Sasuke himself treasured as much as his own brother, how to stand in front of him and hear whatever he had to offer, when he had never thought about Naruto viewing him differently.
The water kept dripping on the sink, until it made him mad. He closed it and breathed, blaming his frustration on the constant sound.
Someone knocked, leaving Sasuke frozen inside the bathroom. The person called his name, perhaps in an attempt to give him an exit. He thought about hiding, pretending he wasn't there, he thought of holding his breath.
Then, he remembered a time when she had accused him of selfishness, of always taking without giving anything back. He reflected on that moment between knocks, how much Naruto had given him and what he had actually returned.
He walked to the door, thinking how Naruto was again the one that reached out first, he was the braver of them both.
His nerves were stilled as he opened the door with force. The time had come for him to face the reality.
He held his pretended apathy, embraced it, otherwise he would back down. The man in front of him seemed shorter, his constant light was dulled, his usual confidence was nowhere to be found. He felt guilty, he was the reason for this swift.
"I was sleeping." Sasuke lied. "What do you want?" He sounded harsh, yet he could not speak in any other way.
Naruto took a breath before he spoke. A momentary boost for the next words.
"Can we talk?" He asked and his voice sounded more like himself, his gaze serious and focused, as if he was going to battle.
Sasuke agreed with a sound. The man took a step forward, but Sasuke caught him by the neck. He felt him tense, he was tense too, despite they never minded the contact before.
He tried to hide it, he believed he was successful.
"Not here." He said. "The walls are too thin for whatever you have to say."
He didn't wait for an answer, he took them both to the first place that came to mind, the most suitable one.
They had battled here again and again, both seriously and not. Naruto looked around seemingly missing Sasuke's gaze.
"You are too dramatic sometimes." He said lightly. "Still, thank you." He said lower.
"For what?" Sasuke asked and Naruto turned to look at him.
"For agreeing to listen." He responded.
"Took you long enough." Sasuke said and he deserved for an answer in the same tone. One that Naruto didn't give him.
"I needed to think. I am not the brightest you know. Sorry."
"Are you going with that excuse?" He attacked again.
"No. No excuses." He said and looked directly at him.
"Well.." He began but the hand across him raised in a way to stop him. Still he didn't talk, he just observed him. As the seconds passed he thought that he was not going to speak again, yet he was proven wrong when the man opened his mouth, halted for a moment but then his voice reached him, steady and clear.
"Sasuke. I love you." He said and waited for the statement to be absorbed by their surroundings.
"Not only as a friend or a brother." He continued after, as if he wanted to cover any misunderstandings. "And I believe I loved you since the first time I met you. No, no. I don't believe. I am sure." His chest rose and fell as he breathed, like a burden had lifted off him, even if his eyes were sad.
He wasn't trying to keep him, Sasuke realised, he had already concluded that the break of their bond was inevitable. He just wanted for him to know, to say the things that were kept hidden, buried under false statements.
"I don't." Sasuke replied and his chest pained. He should say something else perhaps, something that would comfort the man. Yet there was nothing else coming out of his mouth.
Naruto looked at him, surspised at first, but as he observed him more, his surspise turned to a laughter.
"What kind of response is that?" He said and laughed some more.
Sasuke frowned. It seemed more as a prank now, than an honest confession.
"What did you expect me to say exactly?" He said more sternly. "You have hide it well enough until now."
"I really didn't." Naruto said lightly. "Not that I blame you, when I didn't know it myself."
"Cut the crap. How could you not realise something like this?" Sasuke asked.
"I'm telling you, I didn't. I mean, I always thought you are the most important person to me and I was always happy to see you, but that doesn't mean anything."
Sasuke just looked at him. It was enough for the blonde to throw another tantrum.
"I was happy when you were there and sure I didn't like the idea of you and Sakura being together or when you said you would kill me, I thought I was better off dead than fight you to the end, but still I couldn't know. I didn't know. I have never thought about love and these things. I haven't thought about anyone so..I guessed our bond is more special and unique." He breathed finally.
"Not even about Hinata?" Sasuke asked and Naruto's face darkened on the mention of her name.
"Let's not talk about it." He said lower.
"Let's." Sasuke prompted him. "Or do you want me to ask you what kind of thoughts do you have about me?"
"You are a bastard, do you know that?" He said half angrily, half embarrassed.
He sat on the edge of the cliff, looking at the horizon.
"She was..She was the closest I have been to normal."
Sasuke walked and stood beside him.
"Hinata was..is..a truly wonderful soul, you know. Kind, pure, undemanding. The kind of girl you want to protect, to shield her to stay like this. She was the opposite of you." He said and looked at him.
"Why did you marry her?" Sasuke asked.
"It kind of happened. I know it's a shitty excuse, but that is the only one I got. When I learnt about her, about her feelings, I was overjoyed. Someone, a person like her, viewed me as someone important, as the most important. From the beginning, she was there. And I thought, this must be love. This feeling of joy, of importance, of protection, this must be it."
He tangled his palms together.
"And I took everything that she was and tainted it. Just because I couldn't admit, not even to myself, that I would trade a life with her for a day with you. I am the worst."
He let him be for a moment. To gather his thoughts, to rest for a bit. For himself to let everything to sink in.
"From the second she told me, I was terrified that the moment would come for you to know. I believed the most difficult part would be to face you. It was not. It's her I can't look in the eyes."
"What now?" Sasuke asked looking straight ahead. "What do we do?"
"I guess.. that's it." Naruto answered. "I know how disturbing it must have been for you. I don't think been around me is as comfortable as it used to be. Or comfortable in general."
"So do you give up?" Sasuke asked and his friend was taken aback. He was ready to burst again, but Sasuke stopped him.
"I thought so too. I was really angry at you. I felt betrayed. Yet there was no betrayal, to me at least. I am not bothered at this moment."
He seemed to regain some of his light.
"I am with her. You should know that." Sasuke said and there was a moment of silence.
"I selfishly thought you wouldn't be with anyone ever. When you and Sakura never progressed I thought that was it."
"Does it bother you?"
"Would you hate me if I said it does?" He replied.
"Hate is a strong word." He put his hand in his pocket.
Naruto smiled faintly.
"I need some time." He said then. "We both do."
He made a noise of agreement.
He turned around to leave. Naruto stayed at his place. It would be different, he thought. It would take some time for him to process the change, the way his best friend had wanted more than he would ever be able to offer. Yet the truth was that he was the same boy that couldn't cut him off his life. Naruto had an impact on him, he held a place that noone could fill and he was willing to let the time pass on, to see if this obstacle would ever be overcome.
"Don't be stranger." He said. "I need someone who can hold his ground against my punches."
He didn't turn to see what kind of face the man was making. At the moment, this was enough.