can't we just go back? | pokémon

nine | "i loved you to the point of ruin," (one)

winona yawned and stretched her arms as her swivel chair slightly moved backwards, giving her the view of her table filled endless papers that needs her attention. her eyes were already hurting with staring at the papers and her monitor screen for hours on end. she closed her eyes for a moment as it started to water and sting a little bit.

it's been a few days of overworking herself to the point of skipping meals. she glanced at her wall clock, checking if she should already eat her lunch. she hummed and decided to check her social media instead.

there isn't much to see from her social media accounts, after all, she isn't one to post much. she usually lets other people do the posting and just let them tag her in the photos. most of the time, she posts only a few pictures of herself and her pokemon.

as she was scrolling through countless pictures on her pokestagram, one post caught her attention which caused her to feel indifferent yet again. a weird irritation she can't explain even after all these years of feeling it, maybe because she never really addressed it to herself or took the time to understand her emotions and her self.

it was a picture of wallace happily posing with his milotic and some other pictures with a few friends winona doesn't know who. maybe he met them after their break-up.

envy. the word she's looking for is envy. jealousy. and all the other terms and words that are synonymous to it.

what she couldn't understand was why? why was she feeling that way towards wallace, the one guy she loved to the point she'd let him ruin her? sitting here now, in front of her desk, a mountain of papers she is yet to finish, feeling so stressed and overwhelmed by the time constraint given to them by the association, she felt so tired of feeling so many mixed, unexplained emotions that feeling them all now, she might as well sit with it and try to understand it, even just a little bit. maybe a little bit everyday.

she loved him. she loved him with her entire being and her soul. she loved him in his best days and she loved him in his worst days. she was there during his victories, his chill days, and his worst days. she supported him in whatever he wanted.

whatever happened then in between that made her change her mind?

she never quite understood it herself. maybe it was because she was dealing with her own inferiority complex and just her overall crave to be better and prove that she isn't just winona and the leader of fortree city. and then she saw how successful wallace became.

she saw how loved he became. people adored him. she saw him win after win after win. there was definitely times where he struggled but still, he emerged victorious. and then it happened. he started experiencing things winona never experienced before. he started travelling and started meeting new people and getting so many opportunities ahead of him.

then winona started feeling irritated. annoyed. jealous. envious.

why does wallace get to experience so many great things while she's still there suffering and trying her best to be seen, to be known, to prove her worth just so people don't see her as something inferior?

and then he started going out of town most of the time, coming with his friends, battling and training, and all that. winona would see him less and less and would only see him when he comes home and he would tell her all his experiences. of course, she wouldn't show how she felt when he was away, feeling so sad and irritated and envious of his experiences and escapades. still, she listened. she smiled and she nodded. she laughed and tried to be happy for him. but the more she did it, the more she felt so drained and tired. maybe because pretending to be happy and okay when you're not is generally a draining thing to do. in the first place, she wished this for him; to be happy and to get to experience many great things and get all the good things in life just because he deserves it and he has been nothing but kind, loving, caring, understanding, and ever so patient with her. he loved her just as much as she loved him, maybe even more. he gave her what he thought she deserved which was all the good things in life, maybe even the best. the world. and then she felt this sickening feeling. a sense of envy and inferiority slowly eating her from the inside out. whenever she felt it, it was so awful that she would leave her gym even if an upcoming battle or challenge was up. she would give any excuse she could think of that could be plausible and easy to understand. she would lock herself in her room back at home and cry for hours. she would eventually stop and then she would feel extremely tired and guilty. she would sleep it all and wake up with puffy and pinkish eyes from all the crying.