I want to see someone I know.
How would I?
I want to. Really. I am having a headache. It's always there.
I don't want to keep writing into this...
Nevermind.
I just want to see my sister. She must have been good to me.
I am sure she was...
But sometimes I think she wasn't.
Or I wasn't good to her.
I don't know anymore.
And I don't think I could ask a doctor what the FUCK is going around with me.
Because they don't exist, none of them exist.
And that body is seared into my brain.
I can't sleep but sometimes I do sleep. And the on-and-off schedules are getting to me.
I have long gaps of memory...I don't know what happened after I passed out on the bathroom floor.
Gaps of memory...but they still feel clouded.
Like with someone else's memory. I keep having flashes of memory that feels like it belongs to someone else.
I don't want to feel this way...
I think...
It could be best to end it.
Why am I holding on? On and on like this? As if all the gaps in my memory would fade away, as if everything is going to be okay, as if I am going to meet someone who can save me.
Yes...I think that's it.
̶I̶ ̶a̶m̶ ̶w̶a̶i̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶o̶n̶ ̶a̶ ̶s̶a̶v̶i̶o̶r̶ ̶
That's funny.
I wasn't exactly a good samiritan.
Was I?
Sometimes I feel like I was. Like I was a good person. Sometimes I feel like I was a monster.
The gaps in my memory aren't telling me anything.
I hate not knowing.
I don't even know myself.
̶I̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶t̶e̶r̶r̶i̶f̶y̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶
̶I̶ ̶w̶i̶s̶h̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶a̶ ̶d̶r̶e̶a̶m̶ ̶
Reality feels so crooked.
Reality...sometimes I feel like it's my counterpart.
Like it lives within me. That cruelty.
I feel reality is in me.
That's horrifying.
