But I Love You

But I Love You - Part Two: Jane's POV

Jane walked briskly, hands stuffed into her jacket pockets, trying to clear her head and make sense of what just happened.

You kissed her. You kissed your best friend. Hard. On the lips. That's what happened, you idiot!

Even though it was a crisp fall evening and there was a slight chill in the air, she barely registered it; her swirling thoughts centered on a singular person: Maura.

Oh shit! What've I done? What've I done?

She kept walking, taking long purposeful strides,  as she struggled internally with the utter chaos ruling her heart and head. Yes, Maura had initiated the kiss, but she didn't exactly pull away either. And, Jane guiltily admitted to herself, that moment when their eyes had locked onto each other, she'd wondered what it'd feel like to have Maura's lips on hers.

Why the hell did Maura kiss me anyway? Was she drunk? She'd only had 2 glasses of that damn Bordeaux, so she couldn't have been. Could she?? And why, why, for the love of Pete, did I not only NOT push her away, but kiss her back? Deeply. Soundly. I had my frickin' tongue down my best friend's throat. And it was the best fuckin' feeling in the world! No! No! No! Stop it, Jane! Just stop it!!

Jane felt the heat start to rise in her cheeks as the memory of it started flooding back. She couldn't help herself; her brain was on autopilot. Maura's lips, so soft, supple, landing so softly on hers she'd thought she was dreaming at first. She recalled the way Maura looked at her in that moment, honey blonde curls cascading down her beautiful face: it was one of utmost devotion, and it was a look she'd grown accustomed to and loved. Maura, her Maura, never looked at anyone else like that, and that Jane treasured and was fiercely proud of. 

Her Maura?  Her Maura??  Where the hell did THAT come from?  Maura wasn't hers!  Maura was lots of things: Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, her socially awkward best friend, her confidant, the woman who could probably recite the entire Gray's Anatomy book forwards and backwards, the gentle nerd who kept a turtle for a pet (tortoise, Jane!) , etc. But hers?  Nah.  Never in a million years.  Nope.  Not gonna happen. But ... what if ... would it be so bad if ... stop it Jane!  Do you really want to lose your best friend over one stupid kiss that probably didn't mean anything to her??

Shaking her head vigorously to rid herself of those thoughts, Jane kept walking, eventually ending up right back at her apartment, unsure of what awaited her inside. She opened her door, cautiously looked around, and exhaled the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding when she was certain Maura was gone.

Padding over to her fridge, she grabbed her fourth beer of the night, tipped the bottle to her lips, took a long swig, turned the TV on, and slumped back on her couch, her mind still reeling. With little to distract her now, Jane's mind was racing, as the noises from the TV droned on in the background.

I can't have these feelings for Maura. I shouldn't. She's my best friend for fuck's sake! I can't lose her. I won't lose her. But ...  God! Those lips ... that golden hair framing her angelic face ... that creamy neck and perfect breasts ...  Shit! Shit! Shit! You're doing it again! Stop it for the love of God!  C'mon, Jane get your shit together. That wasn't you, that was the three beers you had. That's why you kissed her back. Your guard was down. You were buzzed, or drunk, or both, and that's what made you so very susceptible, given the situation. So chalk it up to that, chalk it up to healthy curiosity, hell, fine even to innocent experimentation, but not to having more-than-friendship feelings for Maura. Never that. Or you could end up losing the one person in your life who thinks the world of you.  And what if she doesn't feel the same way about you as you do for her? Then what, huh, genius?

But the more Jane sat there, the long-forgotten Blue Moon rimming her coffee table because she'd missed plunking it down on a coaster (Maura would definitely disapprove!), the more her mind kept circling back to the one truth that both exhilarated and frightened her:  she had fallen in love with one Dr. Maura Dorthea Isles.

Later that night, physically exhausted and emotionally spent, Jane finally succumbed to the sweet oblivion of sleep with one niggling thought still rattling around in her mind:  what would've happened had she NOT pulled away?