But I Love You

But I Love You - Part Seven: I'll Always Come Back To You

Maura watched Jane leave, knowing in her gut that she'd just lost her best friend, and that there wasn't anything she could do about it. She desperately wished the floor would open up, swallow her whole, and put her out of her misery.

She made her way back to the couch, cringing as she heard her front door slam shut behind the hastily retreating figure of Jane. A few minutes later she heard her car engine rev up as the detective drove away. Curling up on the couch, nestling her head on the ample armrest, Maura sobbed bitterly into one of the couch pillows she was hugging, her chest heaving uncontrollably against the soft fabric.

I can't do this anymore. This is too much. I've lost her! I've lost Jane! I've lost my best friend. MY Jane! She's gone .....

And, for what seemed like the hundredth time, Maura berated herself on her decision to kiss Jane that fateful night.

You are so stupid, Maura! So foolish and short-sighted! Now you've gone and lost her. Forever! Was it worth it? Was it worth sacrificing the most important person in your life for a few seconds of short-lived bliss?

Maura lost all track of time as she allowed the regret and pain to wash over and consume her. So lost was she in her grief that, at first, she didn't hear the knocking at her door.  As it grew louder and more insistent, Maura got up and headed to her front door, ready to curse out whoever was on the opposite side of it.

Who the heck was at her door this late at night? Didn't they know what time it was??

Not bothering to check who it was through the peephole, Maura threw the door open, ready to let loose some choice expletives unbecoming of the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.  But the words never left her throat. 

Standing in front of her, darkening her doorway, was a very different Jane Rizzoli from the one who had stomped on her heart and walked out of her life.

This Jane was a complete mess. This Jane had eyes identical to hers: red, swollen, and puffy from crying uncontrollably. This Jane's cheeks mirrored hers: they were wet and tear-stained as well. Her shoulders slumped, her body language echoed abject defeat. This Jane, her Jane, was totally broken and vulnerable. 

She's never looked more beautiful. My Jane. She came back.

"I don't want to pretend that it never happened. I can't, Maur. I just ... I can't". Jane's voice was so agonizingly raw and hoarse, it pained Maura to hear it.

Maura ushered Jane in, closing the door quietly. She took a few breaths to calm her pounding heart before turning to face her.

"What are you saying, Jane?". Maura could hardly breathe.

In response, Jane reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out a neatly folded piece of paper, the letter she'd kept tucked away in the drawer of her bedside table.

"Here", she said simply, thrusting the letter to Maura.

" What's this?".

"Look, just ... just read it okay, before I lose my nerve".

"Okay".

Maura took the letter from Jane's outstretched hand and opened it carefully.

Dear Maura,

I don't even know where to begin. All I know is that if I don't do something to get this off my chest, I think I will quite literally explode. So here goes ...

I'm sorry for running off and leaving you alone in my apartment last night. I know I handled that horribly and you deserve so much better than that. You have to know, I wasn't running away from you. I was running away from myself, from some truths that I just wasn't ready to face, truths that I'd buried or ignored, or both, because it was so much easier to do that than to confront them head on. I may carry a detective's badge and a gun but you, my dear Maura, have more courage in that dainty little pinky of yours than I do in my whole body.

Truth is, Maur, I LOVE YOU. I'm in love with you and have been in love with you for far longer than I care to admit. And yes, I love your big brain and how smart and generous and beautiful you are, but it's really the little things, those that other people take for granted, that grab my heart. Like the way your nose crinkles up when you don't get a joke, or how your face gets that dreamy look when you've had a bite of your favorite eclair from that French bakery downtown whose name I can't pronounce, or when you're really tired and think no one's looking and take a really big yawn without covering your mouth with your hand first ... It's all those little things, you know? All those things that are just so uniquely ... YOU.

I don't exactly know when it happened, when my feelings for you changed from just friendship to something deeper, but it could be right around the time when the thought of seeing you at work made my heart beat faster, or when I'd find any excuse to go down to the morgue (whether we had a case or not) just so I could see you and be with you even for just a few minutes.

Maybe that's why none of my previous relationships ever worked out because, subconsciously, I'd be comparing it to what we have and they always fell short. With you, Maura, I can let my guard down and just be me and I know you wouldn't judge me because there isn't a single judgmental bone in your body.

I think that's why I kissed you back. I just wanted you to know how much you mean to me. How much I love you. And, to be completely honest, since you'll never read this letter anyway, I just wanted to finally know what it'd feel like to have your lips against mine. To kiss you the way I've dreamed of kissing you. To hold you so tightly in my arms and never let you go. To make you feel safe, protected, cherished, and loved.  So loved, Maura.

I don't know why you kissed me or even if you feel the same way about me. All I know is I don't want to lose you, Maura. But maybe I already have, and that thought scares me, terrifies me actually, more than all the perps we've dealt with in the past. Knowing that I have you in my life, my constant, means more to me than you'll ever know.

Because, when all is said and done, it all comes back to you, Maura. It always has. It's always, always been you.

And, for what it's worth, I'll always come back to you.

Forever yours,

Jane

Maura's free hand hovered shakily over her mouth as she reread the last part of Jane's letter, fresh tears spilling over. Her chest felt so tight she could hardly breathe.

Forever yours.  Jane was forever hers.  Hers.  My Jane.

"You ... love me?" Maura whimpered, trying to convince herself this wasn't a dream.

Jane could only nod in response, as she tried to swallow the lump that was growing exponentially in her throat.

"Oh, Jane!", Maura cried, as she rushed to close the distance between them. She  threw her arms around Jane, savoring Jane's crushing embrace in return. Neither woman said anything. Jane raised her palms, tenderly cupping Maura's face, her molten eyes staring intensely into shiny hazel ones.

"Can I ... Can I kiss you, Maur?".

"Yes".

Maura closed her eyes as she felt Jane's whisper soft lips gently kiss her tears away.

"I'm so sorry, Maur, for hurting you, for all those despicable things I said. Please, please forgive me", Jane pleaded, in between kisses, searching for forgiveness in Maura's eyes.

"Jane?"

"Hmm?"

"Just shut up and kiss me".

That was all the encouragement Jane needed as she crushed her lips on Maura's in a searing kiss. Maura responded back, her tongue massaging Jane's, as the honey blonde's full lips bruised and claimed the brunette's.

Pausing to catch her breath, Maura summoned her courage and whispered one final, wicked request in Jane's ear.

"Take me, Jane.  Please, just take me. Here. Now!".