But I Love You

But I Love You - Part Six: Laying It All On The Line

One week later:

After a grueling seven days, the squad had solved the case of the murdered secretary. Based on more evidence that had been discovered during their investigation, the female victim was shot at point blank range by the wife of the victim's boss. She'd found out that her husband, a serial womanizer, had been having an affair with the much-younger office assistant; so she shot her and used her expensive cashmere sweater, ironically a gift to her from the sonofabitch, to muffle the sound of the gun shot. Those were the particulates that Maura had found in the victim's wounds: they were a definitive match to the cashmere yarn from the sweater.

With the case solved, Jane and Maura decided that the present time was as good as any to address the elephant in the room. And that's how they wound up at Maura's, to have dinner, drinks, and the talk.

After dinner, as they settled comfortably on the couch, Jane started fidgeting with her beer, intently peeling off the label from around her cold Blue Moon, her eyes carefully avoiding Maura's.

Jane, please just say it, just ask me, Maura pleaded silently, not wanting to spook her already anxious best friend.

As if reading her mind, Jane finally looked at her.

They were finally gonna do this. No turning back now.

"Maur, why did you ... kiss me? Wuh ... Were you ... drunk?". The questions came out stilted, as if Jane was having second thoughts about the whole thing.

"Were you trying to ... I dunno ... prove some kind of point with that ... uhmm ... (she swallowed hard) stunt?", her voice a raw whisper.

Maura was taken aback, and hurt. Really hurt. It stung to hear those words, especially from, of all people, Jane.

"Do you really think that, Jane? Is that how little you think of me? That this is all some kind of game to me? After everything we've been through?!". Hot, angry tears threatened to spill over as her voice cracked.

"Maura, ever since that night, and everything that's happened since, I dunno what to think anymore! I mean, one minute we're hanging out, drinking, just chillin' like we normally do, and then the next we're ... you're ... kissing me!! What am I supposed to think?!". Jane exploded, unable to control the accusatory tone that had taken control of her gruff voice.

That was too much for Maura.

"If my kissing you, Jane, was sooo repulsive to you then why didn't you just push me away immediately?! If I recall that evening, you kissed me back! Deeply! I know I didn't imagine you with your tongue practically down my throat!!", Maura hissed back, hazel eyes ablaze with anger and hurt they'd turned a deep emerald shade.

This wasn't at all the way she'd imagined this night unfolding. She knew it wouldn't be an easy one due to the sensitive nature of the subject, but she was definitely not prepared for this screaming match with her best friend.

Will she still be my best friend once this night is over? I want to tell you everything, Jane. Everything! But I can't risk losing you, your friendship, because if I did, I don't think I could recover from that.

Jane stood up and started pacing, her fingers instinctively rubbing the scars on the back of her palms, trying to calm herself down, but failing miserably.

"But why kiss me in the first place? I know you weren't drunk cuz you'd only had two glasses of red wine that night at my place. So what was it? You were feeling ... what ...  adventurous? Frisky?? And you just wanted to see what I'd do? How I'd react? Huh? Was that it?? ". Jane stopped to catch her breath, heart pounding, her throat raw to the bone.

"Because if that's all it was to you, just some stupid stunt", Jane swallowed, trying to keep the bile from rising in her throat, "then that was a pretty low blow, Maura, even for you". Jane's eyes had turned dangerously dark, like molten lava.

Maura felt like she'd been slapped viciously across her face, the sting of Jane's painful words searing her broken heart.

"What's that supposed to mean, Jane?!".

"It means that if you kissed me just to prove some stupid point to yourself or because you're toying with me, then .... you are not the Maura Isles I know".

And love. Because the Maura Isles I know and love would never, EVER, stoop to these fucking mind games.

"Look, Jane. I told you that if it was easier for you, we could just ... pretend that it never happened. And you said, and I quote, Okay. - J.  So why don't we do just that? Let's pretend like the kiss never happened. It's easy!".

It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

"I've put it in the past now and I suggest you do the same".

Liar! When did you become such an expert at lying?

"You still didn't answer me, Maura". Jane's voice was quiet but steady as a rock.

"Jane, please. I'm too exhausted to fight. We both are. Please. Just ... Go home." The last two words were a desperate plea, barely a whisper, as they fell from Maura's lips.

Jane stubbornly refused to be put off so easily. "No, Maur", she replied, shaking her head. "I'm not leaving here. Not until you answer my question".

That's when Maura felt it. The dam finally breaking, its fissures snaking dangerously through her battered heart. Everything she'd been burying, the feelings she'd continuously ignored and kept hidden, except at night when she'd allow herself to indulge in that ridiculous fantasy of her and Jane, madly in love and living happily ever after; all that now came bubbling furiously to the surface, impossible to contain or ignore any longer.

"Fine! Fine, Jane! You really want to know?? ".

"YES!!"

"I kissed you that night because I love you! I kissed you that night because I'm in love with you, Jane! Madly, deeply in love with you! And I've been in love with you for quite some time now, but it doesn't really matter, does it, because I know you don't feel the same way for me!".

The torrent of words tumbled forth freely as pent up tears streamed down Maura's cheeks.

They just stared at each other. Seconds, marked by the tasteful living room wall clock ticked by, their rhythmic staccato piercing through the deafening silence in the room.

Without another word, Jane grabbed her keys from their permanent spot on Maura's foyer table and headed out the door, leaving an anguished Maura in complete shambles for the second time in a row.