But I Love You

But I Love You - Part Three: Maura's POV

The ride in the town car back to her Beacon Hill home was uneventful, and Maura was grateful that her driver, Sal, either hadn't noticed she was upset, or, if he had, decided to be discreet about it and refrained from asking prying questions.

"Thank you so much, Sal. Here's a little something for you, for your trouble", Maura gestured, handing him a handsome tip. "Always a pleasure, Dr. Isles". Sal tipped his hat respectfully as he accepted the gratuity. "Have a good evening". Maura smiled, exited gracefully, and headed to her front door, as the town car drove away.

Once inside, she headed to the kitchen, poured herself a glass of red wine, and, drink in hand, settled on her settee to try to make sense of her ruined evening.

Why did I do it? Why did I kiss Jane? She probably hates me now! Oh God! What have I done??

Maura was well aware of her feelings for Jane and that they had deepened into something more than friendship for quite some time now. Unlike her uptight best friend, she was more open about her sexuality and had never been concerned about society's silly labels. It was only recently that she'd come to the realization she was deeply, madly in love with the raven haired detective, but she had been successful in keeping it under wraps so that Jane, and everyone else at BPD, was none the wiser. Until tonight.

As Maura sipped her drink slowly, her weary mind replayed the evening's events ...

Jane looked so beautiful tonight. I know she's beautiful, always has been, but tonight especially, after Tommy had been proven innocent and she could breathe again, she looked downright radiant! Even when she'd taken that unfortunate sip of 1994 Chateau and her face contorted in disgust, she was still ... beautiful. I know I've been successful, at least up until tonight, in burying my feelings (look Jane, no hives!) but it is getting harder to ignore and next to impossible to pretend like they didn't exist when mere inches separated me from the object of my affection. When Jane looked at me as we sat on her couch and thanked me for helping prove Tommy's innocence, I was certain she could hear my heart thumping wildly in my chest.

Fresh, hot tears threatened to spill over again at the memory of that moment as Maura dabbed at her eyes with her silk handkerchief.

Those smoldering dark eyes, piercing through to my core; the way she looked at me like no one else mattered to her, I felt my cheeks flush furiously and my knees turned to jelly. Fortunately I was already seated, otherwise Jane would've had to pick me off of her floor. And then, before I knew it, before I could stop myself, I did it. I leaned in closer and just ... kissed her. Maybe it was the wine, or the evening's relaxed vibe, but I, Maura Isles, kissed Jane Clementine Rizzoli, and so help me God if it wasn't the most glorious feeling in the world! And to have her kiss me back ... maybe this is what they mean by that quaint phrase "feels like heaven", although it'd be impossible to liken the experience to that celestial place if you've never actually been there.

Maura bit back a sob as her dainty fingers traced the outline of her lips, where Jane's had been just a couple of hours ago. Closing her eyes, she thought about Jane's strong, protective arms wrapped around her and how safe and loved she had felt in that one perfect moment.

Feeling Jane pull me closer as her lips tugged at mine, deepening our kiss, was electrifying. The way her tongue demanded entrance, so sure, so confident ... I'd never been kissed quite like that before, and I couldn't get enough. God, I wanted her, all of her! Then her lips traced a blazing path from my mouth, to my chin, and down to the sensitive skin on my neck, driving me completely over the edge. I felt so alive, so ... wanton, and I didn't want it to end! Except, of course it did, just as suddenly as it started.

Maura couldn't stifle her cries anymore, as the horrible memory of Jane pushing her away wracked her body with dry, heaving sobs.

She pushed me away! Actually wiped those damn lips of hers and pushed me away, like I had some kind of communicable disease she didn't want to catch. She couldn't wait to get as far away from me as possible, as fast as those impossibly long legs of hers could carry her. She didn't even look back. Just ran out and left me alone. Alone.

Maura gave in to her grief and cried until exhaustion got the better of her. As her sobs finally relented, and her pain subsided to a dull ache, her mind was left with searing questions.

How could Jane kiss me like that, with such intimate passion one minute, then just up and leave the next? Why didn't Jane just push me away immediately? Why pull me closer and reciprocate? Why did I kiss her in the first place? Was I drunk? How can I fix this?

And the one burning question that made her heart sink like a stone: Have I lost my best friend forever?