bpd brain

they all leave in the end

I'm so fucking tired.
Tired of crying.
Tired of trying.
Tired of caring.

What's the use of screaming
When no one is around to hear you
Except for the voices whispering within every lie
That she tells you?

'You will never lose me.'

'Im here if you want to talk.'

'Always here.'

Forget all the times
Reassurance has left her lips
The lies that felt so sickly sweet

It's the greatest high I've ever known
Being told that your enough
But just like any other
You come down feeling shittier than before

'I would rather die than lose you,' she says
And for a moment
The greatest joy shoots through my core
SHE NEEDS ME
SHE LOVES ME
I WILL NEVER BE ALONE, LIKE BEFORE

But then the whispers start
And the comfort of my best friend
My favourite person, my anchor
All comes crashing down
And I'm back at square one

But she said that last week
She could have changed her mind
the voice mumbles

She hasn't answered my text
Am I not important to her anymore?
Why hasn't she text me back?
Is she with HER?

The slightest shift in affection
Sends me into a downwards spiral

Alonealonealonealonealone

Rocking back and forth
Hot tears streaming down my face

She's already pulling away from me
She'll forget about me
Replace me just like all the others did
It's only a matter of time

Desperate and fearful
I cling to my FP even tighter
Love-bombing out of nowhere
Begging her not to leave me

The percieved abandonment
Made up in my head

If they could leave, whats stopping her from leaving, too?

WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT FROM HER? I screech at the voice
Hands ripping at my hair
Pins of regret stabbing at my skull

What could I have said
To make her love me more?

All these thoughts
Crowding my brain
Ignoring all the times
She's proved the voice wrong

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE TIMES SHE'S PROVED IT RIGHT?

Denial bred from my past
From people who left me
A hollowed-out version of myself
Who made me need them
Made me depend on them

And then laugh in my face
As they linked arms
Forcing me to trail behind them
On a path paved for two

Because my intense commitment
Leaves no room for anyone else

But now, in the present
I refuse to believe anyone
Could love little ol' me
So many people have hurt me before
Why should this new girl be any different?

No
She'll abandon you
Just like the others

The little voice
Those little nagging thoughts send
Desperation slicing through my joy

She will grow tired, eventually
Every time you try to explain yourself
She's rolling her eyes
Preparing herself for the text she should send next
The 'see ya' you've waited for too long to read

I'm stuck in my ways
Because people are all the same
They use you until your purpose disappears
Discarding you without a care
For the souls they shatter

Wrapping my arms around my FP
Sobbing on my knees

'Please don't leave me'

Squeezing my eyes shut
Blocking out the world
I need her to survive

But the voice still whispers
She doesn't need you
She never has
So I cling on tighter
Because a little part of me knows it, too

I suffocate her so much
Where, in the end,
It's me who causes my own despair

It's a fucked up defence mechanism
I'm aware that I have
Self-sabtoaging until I have nothing left to destroy
And yet I
Just
Can't
Stop.

And the little voice sighs, content
Drowning out the throbbing of my broken heart

See?

They all leave in the end

It's like reading a fairytale

You know the ending before you've even read the first page

***

21.4.23