bpd brain

rubber band

snap snap snap
rubber band, left wrist
snap
the pain inside my brain
replaceable

see?
emotional pain isn't real
this is what's real
is what I tell myself

the constant sound of
snap snap snap
background noise
sharp sting of
rubber on flesh
scaring all the demons away

they whisper in my ear:

"alone alone alone alone"

"she'll abandon you"

"she doesn't love you anymore"

more forceful, more frequent
the once quiet snap
now
SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP

"she never has"

zoning out, disasociate
forgetting where I am
who I am, what I ate

my wrist, raw
but I keep going
over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over-

warm hands encircle my wrist
forcing my movements to halt
my skin awaiting the next painful attack but it doesn't arrive

reluctant, I raise my head
voices battling to be heard within my ears
I'm met by tearful, caring blue eyes
and in that moment
the loving look on my fp's face does what all the snapping in the world could not.

The demons dissapear.

Illusion.

For a moment, I refuse to blink
refuse to breathe, to believe

tears spill from my eyes
fingers snap the rubber around my crimson wrist
for one last time

thin and weak
the band         breaks
and so do I.

***