Tongue Tied

Ten

This is only a fraction of what I wish I could say.

Sae knew he was being stupid. Somewhat. Mostly. He knew his reasoning didn't make sense and that he deserved the mockery he was getting for it. If he'd been holding just that realization, maybe it would have been enough for him to swallow his pride and say yeah, you're right, I'm being stupid, come here. But it wasn't. He was carrying around that last phrase like a knife.

They showered separately, something that was logistically smart but somehow felt malicious, and all the while as he stood under the water, Sae thought about it. This is only a fraction of what I wish I could say. That phrase had a maliciousness all its own.

Ryusei was in Sae's room, lounging on his side of the bed, doing something or other on his phone, when Sae finally finished up from the shower and stood in the doorway. He noticed him immediately, locked his phone and set it aside, and dramatically slid all the way onto the edge of the bed, until he was nearly falling off, motioning to the rest of the bed.

Sae glared. He knew he deserved the mockery, but that wasn't the same thing as enjoying it.

"Or I can take the couch, even," Ryusei said, continuing to poke fun.

"Shut up."

And there was the knife. It wasn't surprisingly harsh or firmer than intended. It was cold. It struck where he'd jabbed it. It drew blood.

Ryusei raised his eyebrows and his grin parted. "Wow. Okay."

It was obvious he wasn't going to say anything else.

So, Sae did. "What did you mean?"

"I'm just teasing you, Sae."

"When you said it wasn't everything you wished you could say," Sae finished. The two of them were quiet a moment as they looked at each other.

Ryusei's grin dropped and he shuffled back over onto his side, patting the bed next to him. "Nothing. Come here."

"You meant something by it," Sae said, not moving from where he was leaning against the doorframe, not even tempted to. "Obviously. Which is why you said it."

"Really," Ryusei said. "I didn't. Let's just drop it."

"Why do you feel like you can't talk to me?"

Sae felt the moment freeze with his question. He was surprised frost didn't start flickering its way across the windows. He'd worded his question intentionally. He'd meant for it to go for the jugular. He wasn't giving him an out with it. He was backing him into a corner.

It took a little while before Ryusei realized this and sighed. "Because you're a little sensitive."

"No, I'm not," Sae said.

"And more than a little defensive."

No, I'm not, almost came out a second time, but once he realized that would hardly disprove the point, Sae crossed his arms instead. He looked away, onto his empty half of the bed, and then out the window that sat above it.

"And these are things I love about you. They are," Ryusei continued. "But you can't blame a guy for wanting to stay on your good side, can you?"

Sae's eyes found his way back to him. "You're always on my good side."

"Good to know," Ryusei said, smiling. His hand patted the bed again. "Now come on."

Sae took a seat this time. It was half committal, one leg stretched out on the bed, one still hanging off the side. He leaned back against the pillow at least, figuring that was enough of an act of goodwill. Ryusei took Sae's hand again, and again, Sae let him. This too was an act of good faith, something that disproved his sensitivity and defensiveness in Sae's mind. But then, after another minute, he reminded himself that love, or whatever this was, was not meant to be a game and pulled his other leg up onto the bed.