First Frost (ONC 2023 Novella, MxM Paranormal)

12: Snowy Blur

Sofia is not my enemy. In fact, she was my friend first. I was in 8th grade and walked into German class, where I knew no one. With glittery barrettes in her hair, freckles scattered across her nose, and pink strings on her braces, Sofia took pity on me and offered the seat next to her. Anton—my usual go-to bench mate—had enough trouble figuring out Swedish and English to add another language to his repertoire.

During the coming semester, Sofia and I struggled through verb forms and noun articles together in the school cafeteria. That's when I introduced her to Anton.

Sparks didn't fly when they met but I did notice her looking his way a bit more often than was necessary. Perhaps I paid attention to her longing gaze because it reminded me of my own.

Anton didn't seem to notice either of us was looking. Not at first at least. But then, the summer when we were sixteen, right before starting gymnasium, something happened. I came back from vacation in Greece and things were different.

Anton had started to look back at Sofia.

It hurt at first, although I wouldn't admit it, not even to myself. But I got used to them giggling and making out eventually. Even if I sometimes felt like the third wheel around them, despite them assuring me that wasn't the case. Them dating just made sense. It seemed like the way things should be. A pretty picture of a happy couple. I was never part of that picture. Being busy coming to terms with my sexuality, I struggled to imagine such a picture with me in it all. Gay couples just weren't part of the scenery in our small town.

That's why I moved to Stockholm, to get a change of scenery. Perhaps there, I could start to dream of pictures of couplings including me.

Anton wasn't part of that plan. He was part of what I left behind. Although it seemed I had done a poor job doing so. Or perhaps he was the one who couldn't let me go.

"Is Anton here?" I ask Sofia, looking behind her to try to spot blond hair and wide shoulders.

She raises an eyebrow. "I thought he was with you. He left to find you about an hour ago."

"So he was here then?

It seems he's constantly slipping out of my grasp today, like snow melting between fingers. Which is actually happening at that very moment, as the snow on my mittens has started to thaw, chilling my fingers. I pull the mittens off in an attempt to avoid the seeping cold.

Sofia nods, looking at me as if she tries to figure out what to do. Then, she steps to the side. "Perhaps you should come in," she offers, glancing at my frozen fingers that are adorned with cold blue lines. "You look like you need a hot cup of tea."

I can't deny that something hot to drink would be heaven's sent. "Thank you," I mumble, stepping inside the familiar hallway. I shed my snow-covered jacket, hat, and mittens while Sofia puts on the kettle in the kitchen, clanks with cups, and finds teabags in the cupboards.

The apartment looks like her, not him. Floral wallpaper, kitschy wall art with inspirational quotes, and a pile of crocheted pillows covering the couch. Anton never cared much for decorating so he let Sofia decide everything.

This is why their place doesn't remind me of him, not in the way his room back at his parents does, with tools and car parts lying all over the floor, football jerseys filling the walls, and video game consoles of all varieties blinking. I wonder if all those things are stuffed into a closet now or if he left it all behind.

Perhaps Anton has hidden more things in closets than anyone realized.

Sofia is soon at my side as I sit down on the couch, putting a piping hot cup of tea on a coaster in front of me. It smells like rose and peach, just like her. Next to it, she puts a small pitcher of milk and a sugar bowl. I pour in a splash of milk to mellow the taste and avoid scorching my tongue.

"I think we need to talk..." Sofia places herself opposite of me, on a chair draped with a fluffy white blanket that looks almost like sheep's skin.

A chill runs through my spine. What has he told her? Did he actually tell her-

"He told me," Sofia abruptly blurts out, clearing out any question marks in that regard. "About you two, I mean. I know everything. At least I think so."

"Oh," is all I can muster in reply. Because what am I to say, really? I guess perhaps I should apologize but that would make it sound like I regret what happened. Which I don't. "What did he say exactly?" I ask, curious about how Anton explained our entanglement.

"That you kissed." Sofia sighs, poking at her nails as she avoids meeting my eyes. "More than once. And that he... always was curious, I guess. In you, I mean. In guys. And I guess your moving away made him realize just how much he needed you."

I can only gasp as I hear those words. All those years when I longed from afar, he harbored similar desires.

"You didn't know?" She furrows her eyebrows. "I mean, thinking back. I feel like I should have realized. He always picked you over me. Every Friday night, game night with Joakim was holy, even when I begged him to stay in and watch Let's Dance."

"He told me you were at your mom's on Fridays..." I mumbled, trying to somehow reshape years of memories in a mere moment.

"I know I should just... seize to exist or something. I should be understanding of Anton's need to explore his sexuality, and I am, but... that doesn't mean I don't hurt." Tears line Sofia's eyes as she looks up at me. "I loved him." She swallows in an attempt to keep the tears from falling. "I love him. I can't just stop."

I want to move closer to console her. But at this moment I'm not the right person for such acts. "I'm sorry," I try, because I am. Not for kissing Anton but for hurting her. "I didn't mean to... ruin anything. I just... love him, you know. I always have."

"I believe you," Sofia replies. "I don't doubt that what you have is real. I just wish I had known earlier, before," she sweeps her hand around the apartment, "all this."

"I wish I had known too," I say. "We still haven't really talked. That's why I need to find him. He was just gone this morning when I woke up."

"I guess he felt he needed to tell me everything before anything else happened between you two. But he said he was going back to see you in Stockholm when he left."

I gaze out the window. I can hint the sun now behind the snow clouds. The storm is dying down. Birds are starting to sing. Everything will be alright. I will find Anton once I get back to Stockholm.

"I guess I need to head back there then," I say, taking a final sip of my tea as I prepare to rise.

Sofia puts a hand on my thigh before I can move. "There is one more thing I have to tell you about though, Joakim," she says. The seriousness in her eyes makes me sit back down immediately. "Anton had a secret to divulge when he came here, and so did I."

Putting her hand below the coffee table, she reaches for something on the shelf below. She presents me with a type of image I've only seen in movies. A snowy blur of white on a black background.

An ultrasound.

The snow pelts against the windows, threatening to come inside, as I attempt to process what this means.

Sofia is pregnant. She is pregnant with Anton's child.