✰SMILE✰ sturniolos

ICDTA ~ 1

i lay on my couch with a blanket over me, home alone. my mind is blank, yet also overthinking. why can't i be happy? why do i live in a constant state of depression? why did this have to happen to me?
i think about last week.
no one knows what actually happened. they know we were in there together but they don't know what he did to me.

me and connor have been dating for almost a year. we've never done anything because i've never been ready. he was sweet to me about it at first but overtime he kept getting upset that i wouldn't do anything too sexual with him. last friday at kara's party we went upstairs because we were both drunk. but the thing is, i get crazy when i'm drunk, but i always remember everything.

i laugh as i stumble up the stairs with connors hand in mine. he grabs my waist as i wobble across the hallway to find an empty bedroom. the first one i open is empty so i turn the handle as i look up at him with a loopy smile on my face, not thinking clearly. he spins me by my waist to face him as my body leans into the door behind me. he locks our lips and walks me into the room, shutting the door behind him as i land back on the bed.
"you're so hot luna" he says in a low voice, and i drunkenly giggle. he leans down over me, between my legs, to kiss me as his fingers reach for my pants. when his finger slides into my waistband and starts to pull down, i grab his hand.

"wait" i say out of breath as anxiety starts creeping in, but he groans in annoyance presses his lips on mine to shut me up. he pulls my pants further down and unzips his jeans.
"wait connor please"
"for fuck sake luna. shut up for once in your fucking life" i try closing my legs be the forces them back down, i push at his chest but it does nothing.
"stop i dont want to-" i'm interrupted when his hand reaches to my face and covers my mouth, shoving my head into the mattress. 

by the time i actually comprehend what's about to happen he's already gone there. his hands are covering my face so i'm just barely able to breathe while he is on top of me, but he starts choking me. i'm unable to scream for help, my heart is racing and my head is starting to throb in pain. everywhere hurts. my eyes go white an my ears are ringing. i claw at his chest but my body falls loose and limp like a doll. i can still feel everything that is happening. i can't breathe, speak, see, or hear, i just feel everything.

i dont know how much time has passed but i feel my face on sheets, so im assuming i've flipped over. i can breathe now but it's hard, my vision is white and my ears are ringing. there's nothing. is it over? am i dead? i lay where i am, scared to move because im scared of the pain. my sight slowly comes back after a few minutes. i get up slowly to see nobody else in the room, just my clothes on the floor. tears are streaming down my face and i feel like im going to vomit. i sit there and stare at the bed. what the fuck just happened to me? 

i stand up so fast from my spot on the couch and sprint to the bathroom, opening the toilet seat just in time to vomit.

when i sit back up i run my fingers through my hair and to the side to get it out of my face. i take a deep breath when i close my eyes, still sitting on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet.

it makes me sick just thinking about it. i look down at my hands to see them shaking uncontrollably. i squeeze them into fists to try to make it stop but it doesn't work.
i stand up from the bathroom floor and rinse my mouth out with water then go back to the couch. i haven't eaten in three days. i don't have an appetite. i've lost 6lbs in 72 hours.

i call my mom to ask her when she gets home from work and she picks up right away.

hey what's up i'm busy
sorry, i was just wondering what time you get home tonight
i'm not sure
oh, okay..
i'm sorry Luna, i know i havent been home but i need to stay here
it's fine don't worry about it mom, i understand.
i have to go, i'm being paged. i love you, there's pizza in the fridge.
yup, love you too.
- - -

my dad has never been in the picture, i grew up knowing he was a drug addict so my mom never let me near him. i was five when my mom finally kicked him out, they always fought and even though i was five i remember it getting violent. she's been a single mother for 11 years, but working as an ER nurse for 3 years. i've gotten used to having to feed myself almost every night, but it doesn't mean i enjoy it. i just go with it because she works her ass of to support me as her daughter.

it's school vacation and i go back on monday. today is saturday and all i've done for the past week is sit on the couch and either try unsuccessfully to sleep or watch tv.
at school i don't really have any specific friends, but i know a lot of people who i'm friendly with. i'm closest with adriana but we never really hang out. she's always talking about some triplets at our school and how they're so hot or something but i don't even really remember their names. i remember one because i have a cousin named christopher but not the other ones.

when i say i havent told anyone about last friday night, i mean i have never opened my mouth about it.
i facetime adriana for a few hours and eventually hang up. it's already midnight so i grab my blanket and walk up the stairs to my bedroom. it's funny because i know i'm not going to be able to sleep but i go up anyway.
i play chill music on my speaker but still i'm awake. i've slept about 5 hours in the past week.

i havent talked to connor at all since what happened. he's texted me but i've just been ignoring them. i lose track of time while i soak in my thoughts for the rest of the night.