Hot Starry Nights

2:10 ~ Nathaniel

  "I'm going to the bathroom. I'll be back."

  "Okay."

  I get up and walk to the bathroom in a trance. I hate when we're apart, even if it's only ever for a short while. And these damn nightmares . . . and he was crying. I made him cry. I fucking hate that. Why can't I be a good friend? Why did I hurt him? I'm always fucking hurting him.

  The blade presses into my shoulder, and I slowly drag it down. It drags down my arm, deepening every second, and I pull away when it nears my elbow. The pain leaks from out of my arm, along with my blood, warm and sticky. I drag the blade from my shoulder to my elbow once again, but this time slanted, and it looks like an X. The pain feels amazing, and the images of Ward in my dreams bleed out with it. Before I can drag it through my skin again, there's a knock on the door.  I become easily startled by it, it was so silent before. I drop the blade, and notice it land in a pool of blood. It splatters onto my leg, like hot stars against my skin. 

  The knob turns, and the door opens slightly, no more than a crack.

  "Nat? Are you okay in there? I heard something hit the ground."

  "Um, yeah. It was my phone. Will you close the door?" The blood runs from my arm, dripping, making the puddle bigger and bigger. It seeps closer and closer to the door.

  "Yeah. I'm gonna go sit back down."

  I press paper towels to my arm and pour rubbing alcohol in others. I clean the cuts as best as I can, they're bleeding badly. I wrap them and pull my hoodie sleeves down, feeling faint. I open the door and walk back to the couch, sitting next to Ward. He hugs my torso and pulls me closer, so I'm almost sitting in his lap. He lays his forehead in the crook of my neck.

  "Nat?"

  "Yeah?"

  "Your phone has a plastic case." Shit.

  "I was cleaning the case, so it wasn't on it." The lie rolls off of my tongue easily. There's a moment of silence.

  "Okay." He picks me up in his arms, bridal style, and walks through the house. He lays me on his bed and lays on the other side behind me. Once his breathing slows, and I know he's asleep, I go to the bathroom. I wash the blade and rewrap all of my cuts. The gauze on my arm was soaked with blood, and the gauze on my thighs were too loose. I hide the blade behind the mirror. I go outside to throw the old ones away, I don't want Ward to see them.

  I walk back inside and feel the immediate rush of cool air.  It's gotten a lot warmer outside recently, especially during the night. It feels a little too chilly in here. I walk out the back door and feel the warm air once again. It's hypnotizing, and it pulls me further out. I start running, further and further into the woods. The winds rushes around my body, and branches and twigs scrape my arms and legs. I keep running, feeling the warm earth on my bare feet, hearing twigs and leafs crunch. The adrenaline pumps in my body, and my heartbeat increases. I keep running, slapping trees on the way, counting. Thirty-seven, thirty-eight, thirty-nine.

  I finally reach the clearing, and flop down in the grass. As I calm down, and my heartbeat leaves my ears, I starts to hear them. Everything, the leaves moving, the toads croaking, the creek, crickets. The noises of these woods flood my ears, and start to fade slowly. The sky starts getting brighter, and it's time for me to leave.

  I sit up and walk through the path, formed from running through over the years. I turn the handle, pushing the door open. the cool air blasts me in the face, and I walk into Ward's room. He's still laying in the same place as before, undisturbed. I lay down in front of him and hug him. He's so peaceful. Why did I hurt him? What did he do to deserve it? Nothing. He did nothing.

  I'm just a piece of shit.