Hot Starry Nights

2:7 ~ Nathaniel

  I wake up to Ward's alarm, as does everyone else. We must've slept through his first alarm, because it's 7:45 now. I want to go back to sleep. It's Saturday anyway. I squeeze my pillow, but it squeezes back. I open my eyes and this time I see Ward. Of course. So why was his phone in my pocket? And why didn't I think about it before? Oh yeah, I took it from him because he was high as fuck. No one wants him posting anything while he's like this.

"Hey Nathan. Is Howard awake yet?"

"No. He's probably still tired."

"So how are you getting out from under him?"

"Who has you pinned?"

"No one. I was just . . . curious."

"Yeah okay. Fuckin liar."

"Jeez, sorry I personally offended you. It's Ember."

I pry myself away from Ward and he starts to whisper. I crouch down in front of him so we're at the same eye level. His eyelashes flutter and his light brown eyes look up at me. He gives me a small smile.

"Good morning."

"Good morning."

"You're so pretty. Like an angel. My fallen angel."

"I'm gonna open a window." Oh my lord. Two more days. I turn around and Isla's smirking at me.

"How are y'all not dating?"

"Speak for yourself."

Isla had Ember in her arms. Ember's legs were around her waist and her arms around her neck. Her chin was on Isla's shoulder. It was like a piggyback ride, but she wasn't on her back. Isla looks at Ember and blushes. A lot.

"Don't. She's sleeping."

Ward gets up and goes to the bathroom. I go further down the hall and sit on his bed. What was that last night? He's so much more touchy like this. I was just trying to help him calm down. Then he woke up, and it seemed like he was going to kiss me. Was he actually trying to? Or was he just joking? I'm pretty sure he's not gay. And even if he was, why me? I mean, not me, because he's not gay. He doesn't like me. Yet . . . I was ready. I was going to kiss him back. Why? I'm not gay. Or am I? Was I taking advantage of him? He didn't know what he was doing. I think. And then he just . . . fell asleep. And I think- I think I would've kissed him back. Why? I've never liked him in the past. I've never liked any boy in the pa- no. Never mind, that's definitely not true. And of course, this isn't the first time we almost kissed. What the fuck do I do?

I feel cool hands on my neck. I already know it's Ward. He pushes me down and crawls over next to me. He pulls me to him with my back against his chest and hugs my torso. His breathing is calming, and I soon fall asleep.

○○○○○○○○○○○

It's that same dream again. That fucking nightmare when Ward steals my pain and suffers because of it. He's always suffering, and it's because of me. I hurt him, constantly. I'm not meaning to, I don't want him to help me. He's always getting hurt because of me. I hurt him. The pain was mine, why did he take it? The pain was mine. I want it back. Why did he take it? It's only hurting him, it wasn't meant for him, I want it back. I need it back. I want to trade. I'll trade the emotional pain for physical, I want it back. Then he won't be hurting, and I'll have it back. He's always stealing my pain, even if it hurts him. I'm the one doing this to him. I'm the reason he's hurting. I want it back. I need it.

I pull his arms off of me. He starts to wake up. I sit still until he quiets down again, and leave the room. I break the sharpener and pull out the blade. Ward's sleeping and the others are outside. I step in the shower and turn the water on. I play with the small blade, unsure if I want to do this. I need the pain. I want it back, he doesn't deserve it. I can't do it on my arm, it's too easy to see. It digs into my skin, deeper and deeper. The blood runs from my thigh, and I drag the blade through my skin. I cut again, this time on the other. I do it again, and again, and I keep going. I need the pain back, all of it. It hurts, but not enough. The pain starts to numb, and I feel better now. It still stings a bit, and it still bleeds, but it doesn't hurt like it did. I feel faint. Shit. Too much blood. It's okay. I just- I just need it to stop.

I turn off the water and step out of the shower. I need to wrap the cuts. No one can know. Once it's wrapped I put on some new clothes and crawl into bed next to Ward. I feel disgusting. He told me I didn't need to do it anymore, and I did anyways. As long as I have the pain back. Then he won't be hurt.