Vanilla+brown sugar (Hyunlix)

Cherish

I think healing is a beautiful thing.

And although scars are permanent. Healing is still a gradual process. One that should never be rushed.

So.

Whether we notice or not—𝗌𝖼𝖺𝗋𝗌 𝖽𝗈 𝖿𝖺𝖽𝖾 𝗈𝗏𝖾𝗋 𝗍𝗂𝗆𝖾.

But.

They never really go away.

｡ ﾟ•┈୨ Journal entry 35 ୧┈• ｡ ﾟ

Felix's pov <2 weeks later>

"That's it—that's it—beautiful—beautiful—keep that pose."

The camera clicks and there's a flash. I don't move, keeping my palm pressed against my cheek and my head tilted to the side as the photographer moves closer to only get a shot of my upper body. 𝖳𝗁𝖾 𝖵𝗂𝗏𝗂𝖾𝗇𝗇𝖾 𝖶𝖾𝗌𝗍𝗐𝗈𝗈𝖽 pearl necklace around my neck being the main piece in today's photoshoot.

This is my first photoshoot in weeks, since that day—since the incident. It was hard but I didn't want to leave the house. It was like I had this gloomy cloud over me that made me feel trapped. My mood kept changing and my anxiety was through the roof. The tense feeling in my muscles wouldn't go away and sometimes I was so irritated that it didn't make any sense to me. I just didn't understand my emotions.

At night I had nightmares and they weren't about my aunt. For the first time in a long time, my nightmares were different—𝗌𝖼𝖺𝗋𝗂𝖾𝗋—𝗆𝗈𝗋𝖾 𝗌𝗎𝖿𝖿𝗈𝖼𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗇𝗀. And it was always the same thing. I'm being touched in places I don't want to be touched by someone I don't want to be touched by. A faceless man with a glowing red smile. He mocks me with the dirtiest words and for some reason, 𝖨 𝖼𝖺𝗇'𝗍 𝖿𝗂𝗀𝗁𝗍 𝖻𝖺𝖼𝗄—𝖨'𝗆 𝗁𝖾𝗅𝗉𝗅𝖾𝗌𝗌.

Every day felt long and tiring like I was battling constant emotions I didn't understand. Why am I annoyed when I'm not supposed to be? Why am I crying if nothing is wrong?
And if it's one thing I learned is that it's not easy to cope. To find a way 𝗍𝗈 𝖻𝖾 𝗇𝗈𝗋𝗆𝖺𝗅 𝖺𝗀𝖺𝗂𝗇. When everything feels...𝗌𝗈 𝖽𝗂𝖿𝖿𝖾𝗋𝖾𝗇𝗍.

The past two weeks were depressing—so depressing but Hyunjin never left my side. He put up with my mood swings and he never got upset, he never treated me differently. And he kept calling me Angel even when they were times I didn't want to talk to him. I couldn't help it when I got quiet but he always seemed to understand. He made sure I never missed a meal and ate with me every time. We always cuddled and he held me when I cried. The most comforting words would come out of his mouth and it helped me calm down every time. When I woke up shaking and screaming from a nightmare. He was always there. To pull me into his arms and remind me that I'm safe, that no one can hurt me and that he's here.
And that was my life for a while.
I couldn't explain the extreme tiredness I felt—the extreme emptiness. Although all I did was stay in bed. My energy was just—𝗀𝗈𝗇𝖾. I didn't want to go outside. I didn't want to be around people. I wasn't in the mood for socializing. So I didn't work either. I missed so many photoshoots. So many opportunities. I just couldn't. But I'm not letting that bother me. The photoshoot I'm working on today it's for a magazine. And not just any magazine but a Top Fashion Magazine. For 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗋𝗂𝖼𝗁 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝖿𝖺𝗆𝗈𝗎𝗌 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗉𝗋𝖾𝗍𝗍𝗒 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗍𝖺𝗅𝖾𝗇𝗍𝖾𝖽. I don't usually read articles but Jeongin sent me one last week. And l quite literally lost it when I saw that it was about me.