Her Mind [Under Construction]

Chapter 9

TW: Self harm

Each day makes it easier, but it's getting harder.

After sleeping for what felt like days, I was finally able to get up. With Connor's help.

True to his mission, he never left my side. With the exception of the bathroom and shower, he carried me everywhere, even after my wheelchair had been delievered. That was more my preference but he didn't mind it. It gave me an excuse to be close to him.

His face was chisled, he had a jawline that could shatter glass. He was perfect. Unlike me. He sat me down at the counter, eyeing me with a firm glance.

"I'm going to prepare dinner for you, stay here."

"I figured... you know what I like." I tilted my head a little, and the haze got warm.

"Hank told me, he spent a lot of time in the hospital while you were asleep." He turned and opened the fridge, he paused, staring at the options before him. I always tried to make at least two meals for myself throughout the week in between chasing leads and research, unlike Hank who had more time on his hands but ate at Gary's Chicken Feed trailer constantly.

"How did it.. Go between you?" I watched him.

"As well as it could, he's still a bit closed off but I think he is becoming more accustomed to my prescence, especially since I saved your life twice."

"Twice?" I blinked and he turned, in his hands was a small pack of skinless chicken breasts and stick butter. Placing them on the counter his eyes turned serious, a soft yellow hue appearing.

"You're experiencing short term retrograde amnesia, the doctor did say that could be a possibility while you were asleep. Is there anything you do remember?" He leaned in close.

"I..." I tried peeling back my thoughts, but all I found was an empty void. I looked around my kitchen, and noticed my smart coffee pot. Like the one across the street! I pointed at it and smiled.

"We got coffee... We talked." 

"Yes we did, you learned a lot of things from me and I from you." He smiled and gently squeezed my forearm.

"Can you.. Tell me?" I watched him.

"When you're injury heals, I'd love to."

I blinked. Love? I felt a strange foreign sensation bloom in my chest... I tried to connect the dots inside but only felt the knot loosen, threatning to send me spiraling. I had to lift this haze, I wanted... No.. I needed answers,  and I didn't want to wait. Looking around my eyes settled on the cutting board, an obviously sharp chef's knife. But Connor was right next to it, focused on the pan and its contents. Distraction.

I looked to my room then to him, that would give me enough time. I reached out and tugged on his sleeve and he gazed over at me.

"My hoodie.. can you?" I pointed over.

He nodded and once he was in my room I held my breath as I grabbed the knife, I knew he would pick up on my movements in a heartbeat. Which is why I bolted, praying my legs would just know, and they did.

"Shit, Selene!" I slammed the door as he got within a foot's range and locked it. His eyes were panicked, and heavy feeling settled in my stomach. Guilt? This process was going to work. I needed it to.

"Selene open the door!" He was banging, the handle shook rapidly. I was running out time. He'll break it down and then it would be over. I gripped the handle until my knuckles turned white, angling it so they would be able to stitch it later. I let out a strangled cry as the skin in my forearm opened.

Blood was quickly filling the crevasses of the tile as I sat down against the bottom cabinets, reaching over the door almost split off the hinges when he came through. The knife flew out of the room and I heard it clank against the wall as he ripped the towel from its holder, the white material becoming stained.

"Don't you dare move, you hear me?" The authority in his voice snapped me back to the moment. 

"I-"

"Don't!" His voice made me wince,  anger evaporated from every pore on his beautiful face. I almost expected to see steam coming out of his ears, but I didn't. 

He was crying. His face was flushed red, lips pursed together. Pain seared through my chest. 

"I'm sorry, I-I just wanted to stop the haze."

"So you do this? You try to kill yourself?" He removes his tie to secure it around the stained towel, then grabs my chin so we're eye to eye.

"I just wanted it to go away! Why are you so upset?" My voice cracks, and eyes blur again for what feels like the billionth time. I hear him sigh and when my vision clears, I was able to understand why. 

His LED was spinning red, indicating an error in his programing. His eyes were no longer calm and neutral. His gaze had softened at the sight of my tears, he hugged me tightly, his voice a fearful whisper.

"When I heard you screaming in the hospital, I couldn't stand it. I wasn't supposed to move. I was supposed to stand still and let them do their job, but I just couldn't sit by hearing you cry out for me... I-I tore down the walls keeping me away. Hank saw it and stopped me, he's the only one that knows, and now you know too." He pulled me back and looked at me. His eyes were raw, from his tears and from what he felt inside.

Felt. Feelings.

I've awakened him.

"Good to know I did something right." I gave him a weak smile and he returned it.

-

After cleaning me up and putting the uncooked chicken away we ended up on the couch, a cold breeze engulfed the room from the open window, the cold breeze helped with the lingering haze. 

"What happened?" I looked him in the eye.

"Hm?" 

"What happened when I was... out?"

"Are sure you want to talk about this?"

"The haze is still there, but I can handle it now."

He sighed, running a hand through his perfect hair, those tousled waves.

"I never left your side. But Hank had other cases. We were by your bedside every night. When you woke up Hank had gone home to shower and take care of Sumo."

I sighed, imagining how difficult it was for them seeing me that way. Especially Hank, given how the last time he was in a hospital. I shook my head, sending the memory away.

"And these feelings?" I spoke softly.

He looked down, and took a deep breath, when our eyes met there were tight with apprehension and something else. Passion.

"When you were unconcious at the Eden Club, I held you in my arms. I was begging for you to wake up. Hank had to pull me away when EMS came. I just... I was so afraid of losing you." 

He leaned so our foreheads touched, his arms on either side of my waist. I could feel the hesitation there. 

"I want our relationship to be more than just partners in law enforcement, I want to hold you, take care of you. Like a real partner. I want... I want you." His voice held so much desperation, so much need. I was at loss for words, the haze had almost dissapated. 

"If you don't feel the same way, I-"

I press my lips to his, silencing him. 

"Oh Connor, how could I not want you too?"