If it made you happy, it was worth it.
I know somehow, I reached the point where I was the happiest. I felt free. Like a bird flying across the sky. Life in this place is astonishing. I've seen cycle of many kinds. Life, culture, dreams ...
There was never a dull moment when I think of how progressive this world can be.
At some point, I was happy.
I wanted to think maybe because I made a decision that day. And by doing so, does that mean it was worth it ?
I just hope it is.
Happiness has expiration, dont you think ?
" River .. "
She called my name again and it always sound like this as always. Concern, and maybe a bit disappointed.
I want to think of how many times did we have this setting before.
" I wonder if there is something that can cure this. Was it just all in my head ? I'm screaming for help but I dont know what for. "
" the drug is wearing off. That's why you're having thoughts like that. " she informed me after I break my silence.
" Yeah, I think I know what you're saying. I got overly dramatic about this drugs. "
I chose not to continue the conversation. I might frighten her again like what I did the last time. I got used to those hallucinations and the problem is that, a normal person like her would find it uncomfortable. I'm glad I did not let my intrusive thoughts win. The kid is standing next to her.
" Do you think I will meet that deviant responsible for my brain dysfunction ? Will you tell me everything before I die ? "
" Will you stop saying nonsense. I dont need to hear all these random thoughts River. "
That's exactly how a person who keeps lots secrets would react. I mean, I knew she has something to do with all this but I kind of wanted to keep things simple for as long as the situation allows this kind of setting. Alam din niya ito sa sarili niya. Everything requires time. Kung hindi man ngayon, maaring sa ilang mga araw o buwan o taon man na parating ay kakailanganin niyang sabihin ang lahat. Whatever the reason may be, and how the situation calls for it, we all knew one thing, we had this coming.
" So what do you want me to do ? I can't live without the drugs now. "
" You will be fine. Trust this to us. Trust me with this River. "
" Dont get offended Lorrie but that's a ridiculous thing to ask. We both know we've been messing with a lot of things and it confuses us often than we know it. If things are normal do you think we have to deal with this ? I'm just saying, in a situation like this, my affiliation with you, my origins and my background, do you think I can trust you ? Of course that's the only thing I can do, right ? To do everything you say. Because it keeps me alive. But how do you like me to trust you when you can't even tell me who you really are. "
This doesnt mean to hurt her feelings. I stated the fact which is also visible to her. I trust her my life because it depends on her. If that's the trust she needs then she already gained it ever since she took custody of me.
But to trust her in a deeper connection ? I dont think she can blame me for that. Nobody is responsible for telling me who I really am but her. There's only one person to do the talking. Despite of that, I dont hold grudges against her. I just wanted to emphasize the clear line separating us. We have our own personal circumstances. And she might think I was okay, I thought so too. That with all of happening around me I wont consider being no one anymore. And yet when the night falls, everything hits different. Suddenly you were not the same person in the broad daylight. We are alone with our thoughts. Tortured to death.
