I stare at the table while the psychiatrist tells me I have major depressive disorder. I'm not really shocked but I suppose I still am. She then goes on.
"You also have PTSD and borderline personality disorder." At the last part I look up at her. That's the first time I heard of that.
She then goes on to explain what borderline personality disorder is and it makes sense. I leave the office feeling a sinking hole in my stomach.
***
I'm in my room scrolling on social media and absolutely bored out of my mind. I come across a video on DID and watch it fully. A couple of other videos have come across my feed and I've watched them but this one really struck a cord with me.
It just made so much sense and I felt really connected to it. So I decide to do some research. I google about DID and find out about the OSDD types and everything that's involved in both DID and OSDD.
There's so much to these disorders than just having separate identities. I was looking up information and absorbing all that I could for a full day until I collapsed from exhaustion.
***
About two weeks after looking into DID/OSDD I decide to try and keep track of my parts, if I even had any.
I did have parts though. The one to first show herself was Liam. She helped me through the processing of all the information I had learned. The second to reveal themselves was body.
Body was an underlying pressure all over who kept everything in check and helped us with fronting. And after a bit, more and more have revealed themselves.
***
After about 6 months of knowing about having parts, I decide to bring it up to my psychiatrist. I give her all the written down symptoms and asked to go over the criteria for DID/OSDD.
We go over it and she says I fit the criteria but I cannot be diagnosed with PTSD as well and that if she were to diagnose me with DID/OSDD it would have to be an over lapping diagnosis. She also mentioned that my PTSD may be making me feel like different people.
I didn't get the chance to show her our different profiles and written entries in the notebook.
***
I decide to try and tell my closest friend about me possibly having DID/OSDD and she just says we're faking and looked too much into so we're mimicking the symptoms.
***
Three years later I am more than certain about having a system and being a system.
Whether professionals want to acknowledge us or not doesn't change the fact that we exist.
***
I think for now I'm good on getting a formal diagnosis with this disorder. Do I believe that if I bring all this information to my psychiatrist, she may very well change her mind; yes. Am I going to do that? Not now. Now I am focusing on completely accepting the system and learning how to heal myself and all the others as well trying to learn as much as I can about what it means to be a system.
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Perspective
Nonfiksi*DID is a complex disorder with no one way of being. Misinformation is spread about DID everywhere. Hopefully with this book we can clear some things up about the disorder* I lose moments of time. Nothing huge maybe just minutes of my day and then I...
