Perspective

chapter seven

I feel frozen. Stuck. Paralyzed. Like I can't move, or I shouldn't move.

I scan my surroundings to try and ground myself. I'm not too sure what's going on or where I am but this place feels familiar in a distant way. Like I've been here before but not for a really long time or like someone's explained it to me in great detail and I'm finally here.

I'm laying in a bed. The bed is also a couch. I have blankets under and on top of me. There's a cat by my side.

Everything's a bit blurry. I noticed a pair of glasses not too far from me. I put them on, everything is clearer now. I sit up a little and take note of whatever I can. The cat is staring at me now.

There are lights on a mirror in a corner. Beside that is a miniature tree with lights on it. There are candles all around. Clothes on the floor. Dishes in the sink. Curtains. Blankets. Me. I breathe.

As I breathe in and out I notice a notebook. I pick it up and decide to read through it. Some entities are mundane and hold very little information. Most however give me insight.

I remember now. I'm lumi. I'm 20. I live on my own. I list off more details on the life I've lived as I pet my cat. It doesn't happen often but sometimes I need a reminder of who I am. What life I live. What life I've lived.

Often times when I don't remember who I am simple things remind me. The wallpaper on my phone. The clothes I'm wearing or around me. The people around me. It's never been this bad, not for a very long time.

Its late afternoon and I don't believe I've eaten. Everything is so blurry, fuzzy. I can't form a single strong thought.

I look over at my notebook and decide to write in it a bit.

I woke up today in a panic. I'm not too sure why. It was terrifying. I didn't know who I was. It's not uncommon but it is unpleasant.

I pause writing as I look around and think for a moment. What exactly do I want to write? I take a moment to think and get back to it.

None of my usual tricks helped. I had to look around for a moment and practice my breathing. Then I read some entries in this notebook and that helped me remember some.

I still feel off though. Like something about me is not entirely 'me.' I'm not sure what it is but I don't like it. I'm not even sure how to word it or anything. I feel like something is wrong with me. Seriously wrong with me.

I don't think this is normal. Or well close to normal. I know I could possibly have DID/OSDD and I've even talked about it with my therapist and psychologist but this just feels off.

Maybe I just need to lay down for a bit longer. I don't have much energy today.