White Thorns ♡ EarthMix

"You are the warm breeze that pass through me when my heart is shaking.

"Have we finished this conversation? Can I go now?"

"Are you starting again? Stop it!"

"Yeah... as always, everything is my fault."

"I don't understand what you're talking about."

"You never understand anything..."

***
A brown-haired boy with a cute face and a melodious name Mix, approached the couch where his beloved lay. At first, he wanted to snuggle into his arms, but the hurtful words still echoed in his head, so he gave up... Instead, he reached out his hand to the socket, unplugged the charger, scooped it up along with the phone, and left for the next room...

___
MIX'S POV

I would be lying if I said that I have never tasted happiness. There was a time when I had the ability to feel joy. However, it didn't last long. As it is commonly known, when things are going too well, something always has to fuck up.

I know one thing. The worst feeling is, when the person who is the reason for your happiness, suddenly takes away every spark of hope and becomes the cause of your tears...

There were always a lot of people around me. I never complained about loneliness, often being in the spotlight. However, nobody knew the truth about me. Nobody knew that I was overwhelmed by emotions that were overwhelming me and that I simply couldn't deal with.

At the worst moment of my life, I met someone... Honestly, I would have never paid attention to someone like him. Earth was a complete opposite of the people I used to hang out with. My company was usually loud, cheerful and doing silly things... He seemed unreal and mysterious to me. At first, he kept his distance, but over time I noticed that behind his seemingly cold exterior, there was a boy with a warm disposition and an open heart. Looking at it all, he was the one who actually found me...

My life was not colorful. I was young and had my priorities. Over time, something started to complicate in my head. Seven years ago, when I was inclined to say "goodbye" to my loved ones leaving a final letter on my desk, I received a message from a certain boy with starry eyes who saved me, and thanks to him, I could start smiling again...

Earth didn't have an easy time with me, because my personality was not simple and pleasant. Besides, he and I differed from each other in every possible way, which meant that we both had to learn how to function together. Earth did everything to make me forget about what happened to me before... He tried his hardest to fix my past, which had only black colors interlaced with shades of gray... So what did my life look like before?

One day I thought it was my last... If someone ever tells you that depression is just a cheap excuse for laziness, just nod in agreement. You know well what it means to dance on the edge of the cliff. Others will not understand you anyway. In depression, just like in dance... Once you rise above the ground, just to find yourself close to the floor moments later. When you are low, you feel like ceasing to exist... Disappear forever, dissolve into the air, not even leaving a trace behind...

The same thing happened to me. I was having a bad day. Nothing was going my way, everything was off. I had a terrible urge to disappear. In addition, I was angry at a few people, and since early in the morning I had been trying to calm my nerves by giving myself an adequate dose of nicotine in my body... A cigarette and coffee instead of breakfast to get rid of negative emotions. Am I the only one who does this, or does someone else do it too?

I got up from the armchair on the balcony and because I stood up abruptly, I quickly had to lean my hand on the windowsill, or else I would have fallen to the floor. I limped to bed trying to regulate my breathing which was getting heavier by the second. I also felt like vomiting... I lay in bed wondering if it was just an addiction to sadness or if it was something more...

Equally likely the cause of my fainting could be the fact, that for the past three months I haven't been consuming enough food. I am under a lot of stress and sometimes unable to swallow anything, which results in me frequently skipping meals. A new problem arose after a month of my eating difficulties... Due to nerves I began losing weight, although it wasn't my main intention at first. As the pounds started flying off, I realized that I was terribly overweight... I then became friends with strict diets and fasting while also maintaining a good relationship with my friend "Ana". I still think that I'm fat, but my friends openly admit that they worry about me.

I also discovered that alcohol helps me forget so I make sure it doesn't evaporate from my bloodstream too quickly... At first, I only drank on weekends, but a daily dose of "Lao Khao" (thai white whiskey) gives better results... So I started drinking every day, alternating with cigarettes. Nicotine was reserved for mild worries... The alcohol was saved for bigger problems...

There was also a day when I was really close to meeting death. I don't remember the exact reason why I decided to swallow the pills that I held tightly in my hand. They were strong psychotropic and sleeping pills in an amount that exceeded the recommended daily dose by... "a little bit." If it weren't for Nanon who happened to be nearby and decided to visit me, I don't know if I would have survived until morning in that state. I ended up having my stomach pumped and was recommended to be locked up in a psychiatric ward like some kind of crazy person, which I'm certainly not.

I had casual affairs and sexual encounters with women. Sometimes a man would also come along, and it was always men - who gave me the most pleasure. Despite being among many people, I never could fully trust anyone enough to give them my heart.

Day by day, I was looking worse... That's what my friends thought, because I didn't see anything unusual about it... However, I increasingly felt that I was the problem... I started to feel really weak. There were moments when I was planning my suicide in my head... Is there a way to do it painlessly? It's not about me, I didn't care how I leave this world. It was more about the feelings of my loved ones, whom I wouldn't want to hurt...

The feeling of hopelessness was crushing me so much that it greatly affected my personal and social life. It had an impact on limiting conversations with my family and avoiding outings with friends.

I often lay on the couch wondering if it wasn't some sick dream that I desperately wanted to wake up from...
Beer and whiskey no longer amused me, and nicotine didn't numb me enough. I needed adrenaline. I no longer had the physical strength for racing, my body was too exhausted for it. I had to find something new that would give me the feeling that I'm alive.

I didn't quite know, what sensation to expect when I first plunged the metal blade into my pale skin... Looking at the marks on my arms, it's evident that this method worked, at least for a moment... I replaced the internal pain with the pain of cuts, although it was still temporary and returned with double the force after a few minutes.

I was slowly losing hope for a better tomorrow. I no longer cared about anything...