MARRIED IN VEGAS:STORY OF MY LIFE WITH MR KIM

Chapter 8

When Moliere said;
                
                  unbroken happiness is a bore;
                  it should have ups and downs

He definitely wasn't wrong, some people found this words somewhat comforting but in my case I didn't find any comfort in it my own 'unbroken happiness ' only had downs with no love in it. After me and Taehyung had our little chit chat the other day I ceased to talk to or even look at him, even if were both home together I was never in the space as him I made sure we never had to see each other, when he came home I would go up to my room and stay there so I would not have to see him or even talk to him. Americans would say I was going through depression but I would say I was having a bad break up and I needed time to heal but the healing process took time and as time went I became a zombie amongst everyone I didn't talk to anyone or had strength to do anything I just managed to get myself to the things I normally do but no matter how much I tried I simply had no energy to move on or any reason to smile like I use to being sad and alone with no reason to smile became my motto of living life eventually my misery turned into hate mixed with anger for what was happening to me in my life. The hate I had in my heart wasn't for him instead I grew to myself for falling in love and loving someone like him knowing fully I would get hurt but I still allowed myself to go through it anyway, the hate in my heart soon began to spread in everything I did and with the way I relate with people, at the slightest moment I got angry for no reason;if someone was talking to loud I got angry, if someone was chewing too loud I got angry, if someone was laughing to loud I got angry everything and everyone got me angry even me, myself still got myself angry. Soon the girls at the University started to talk whenever I was passing by one thing or the other was always said about me; 'she is so wired she just gets angry for no reason these days I think she is depressed 'one would say, I never really knew even though we were both in the same year and faculty, 'Don't say that she is black, black people don't get depression she just simply being aggressive' one of her friends added 'Black people are very aggressive one almost killed my uncle the other day' the girl in my faculty said raising her voice high so I could hear her. Ann immediately glared at her and said 'don't you know when to back of people and stop being mean she is going through alot and the least you can do is show a little bit of care even if it just pretend rather than bugging her', the friends immediately shrugged and walked away without saying another word I hated when Ann had to stand up for me it made feel weak but I couldn't show how ungrateful I was so I simply would smile and tell her thank you. 'You haven't been doing okay this pass one month you okay ' she asked,‘Yes... Am fine’ I said slowly feeling the irritation in me about to bust ‘but you don't look okay you look someone who had a bad break..... ', I cut her off before she could even finish
‘I said am fine’ I yelled at her making everyone there stare at us I could feel the embarrassment creeping up on my face which made me to look down , ‘Well you don't seem fine, come on talk to me am your friend the only bestie you have in this entire country ’she continues talking while turning me to face her 'so what's wrong, because have never seen you like this since the day I meet you ', and at that moment I started to cry, tears began to flow without me even realizing it I could see the shock in her face and it made me bury my face in her clothes, we stayed like that for five minutes until I was able to control myself it actually felt good because I cried all the pain I had in my heart even though it still felt broken I was feeling much better than I have felt in while. ‘Feeling better? ’she asked I nodded a yes to her question 'so want to talk about it' I nodded a no to that and told her whenever I felt like talking I would come to her and she smiled brightly ‘am right here waiting whenever you are ready to talk’and with that we hugged, ‘ready to talk ' kept ringing in my head and I remembered my mom it's been so long since we spoke maybe I could talk to her so on that day when I got back from work I called hearing may just make me feel better.
'Hello' her voice came up from the other end and I started to cry because I missed her so much it had been since I heard her and my heart ached just wanting to see her. ‘Mom’ I said slowly from the other end so she wouldn't know I was crying 'Rainbow how have you been it's been so long since we spoke you sound so different that white man's land you are in must really be changing you make sure before I see you again you must have turned white' she said while laughing her laughter made me laugh a little even though the joke wasn't funny, 'how is everyone at home ' I asked ‘Hope you are all taking care of yourselves ',‘We are good' she answered even though from her tone I knew all was not well but I decided not to ask so I wouldn't upset her her and dad must have fought again they always but it all seems to have gotten worse ever since I left home. I decided to tell her about myself and everything that had happened maybe getting her opinion and advice might just help me ‘Mom something.... ' I was cut off when she started yelling at someone ‘can't you do anything right 'she yelled cursing at my brother it must be him she never yelled at anyone like that other than him, ‘You know your dad got married he finally did with that stupid woman and the worst pain she is pregnant for him and he didn't even bother to tell me can you imagine ' I was a little bit surprised because she had told me all this before when I called the last time had she forgotten I wondered to myself, and then she continued going on and on and on about how cruel my father had been to her not even allowing me to speak saying men were wicked and couldn't be trusted, this went on for about an hour and I was getting irritated and I knew I had to cut out conversation soon or I might just something to her that I might just regret.
'I need to go mom there's a lot of work to do here so I need to go ' I said I could hear her hissing from the other end but I didn't bother no her reason for that I was about to end the call when she called out to me I immediately answered it hoping she wanted to tell me something to make me feel better, 'We need money 'she said hurriedly 'Your brothers fees needs to be paid and I need money to buy food for us to eat the money you sent last month wasn't enough your should add more to it because you should know that your mother is struggling and you know how the economy is here you shouldn't be ungrateful you know I sent you there to study and since you have that opportunity you should treat me with some respect since I sent you there with my money ’,all she made me boil and that made me end the call without saying anything to her she called again but I ignored it, the call that I thought would be make me happy eventually made me boil with anger I wasn't going to send her the money but the thought of my siblings starving and not being able to go to school and me being the cause of it hunted me so the next day while at work I sent some morning to her making sure to add extra so she wouldn't complain but she did complain calling the next minute to ask why didn't add extra, I was at my last point before I cracked, ‘Then don't use it all drinking okay because it will be last one I will send you for being ungrateful maybe this is why dad left you’ I screamed right at her and ended it everyone turned at my direction and were wondering if I was okay, but I didn't mind them instead what I needed right now was a break from all this drama in my life and from everyone. I needed to unwind and I knew who would help me with that, Ann was perfect for the job and when work ended we went to biggest night club in all of Seoul and had the time of our lives like as if our lives depended on it, we drank (not alcohol though)and danced our hearts out by the end of it which was around 2am I still felt empty nothing actually changed, that feeling of being alone and rejected was still there and it was fresh in my mind and heart, I decided to crash at Ann's place since it was late I thought about what Taehyung would say if he noticed I didn't come back but then why would he care I was nobody and the thought of it hurt me.