Hotline Hazbin 2: Murder on the Line

C.H.E.R.U.B

It's been about a week since the blitz on the beach. Not much has happened, other than the occasional client wanting someone dead. Nothing that involved me, anyway. I did find a stress ball, but Loona grabbed it with her mouth and popped it. She really pisses me off sometimes.

Right now, I'm sitting on the roof, staring out at the view. I heard the occasional gunshot, but that was just Blitzo. 

Don Juan: Reminds you of home, doesn't it?

I didn't say anything. Not like I could anyway. As I was sitting there, the building began to shake. I heard yelling down below. 

Loona: STOP GETTING HYSTERICAL, FATTY!

I ran down the fire escape and made it into the office just in time to see what appears to be a wrecking ball made of black tubes crash into the wall. Part of the wall crumbles on top of Moxxie, crushing him. As the dust clears, the wrecking ball untangles into multiple robotic tentacles and a supervillain-esque demon uses two of them to hoist himself into the room through the hole, covering himself with his cape. Loona started growling while on all fours.

???: Do not be afraid!

The man grins and extends his robotic tentacles.

Blitzo: Please tell me you got that insurance thing.

Millie takes out a black axe.

Millie: Who are you, and what do you want?!

The demon extends a tentacle into a loop-de-loop and slides along it to the other side of the room.

Loopty: I am Loopty Goopty! singsong voice Dastardly inventor of all things loopy and loopiiiiiish!

Loona: Coulda just used the door, dude. Doesn’t need to be this whole thing.

Loopty: I am eccentric and must therefore do eccentric SHIT!

Loopty Goopty does a wavy dance. Blitzo sniffs him and flinches. 

Blitzo: Ugh! This old fuck reeks of the living world. Did you just die?

Loopty: YEEEEES! Moments ago, in fact! Which is what brought me HEEEERE!

Loona taps on her phone. 

Loona: Just sayin'... the front door would’ve gotten you here fine.

Loopty: Shut up, dear furry!

Loona growls in anger. 

Loopty Goopty appears in front of Loona and turns to Blitzo.

Loopy: singsong voice This is the man I’m gonna need you to kiiiill!

He holds up an old photo of an old bald man in a bed. Blitzo takes the photo from him.

Blitzo: Not even a shit’s length of time in Hell and already plotting revenge. I can respect a man with that sort of passion! I’m Blitzo, the “O” is silent.

Loona walks away as Blitzo walks over to Loopty and shakes his hand.

Loopty: confused What “o”?

Blitzo: Aww, thank you. shakes hips Now, what’s the tea, sis?

Loopty: even more confused The TEAAAA?!

Moxxie’s arm appears as he struggles under the weight of the debris.

Moxxie: pained Guys, help!

Blitzo: Yeah, why are we killin' this guy? elbows Loopty I mean, what did he do to you?

Moxxie’s arm inches back and he squeals in pain.