After Darkness

*9. The guilt*

"So if I approach you now, you won't feel your heart race and wonder how my kiss will taste like?", Gawin asked, moving closer to Krist. They were at the greenhouse, during the Homecoming.

"No..." Krist said, but Gawin could see in his eyes that it was a lie.

"Hmm..."

"Gawin...", Krist warned.

But it was too late to stop what already had been started. Gawin's lips brushed against Krist's. The boy closed his eyes and kissed Gawin back.

It was so much magical that made Gawin scared.

When their lips parted, Krist turned and ran. Gawin didn't know what to do so he called the boy's name:

"KRIST", but it didn't work. Krist was gone.

Gawin didn't know what to do. A part of him wanted to run after Krist, grab his arm and kiss him one more time. But most of him was scared, because the kiss had made him feel something he hadn't felt in a long time. And he didn't know if he was ready to put someone in First's shoes.

He stayed a few more minutes in the greenhouse before turning around and heading home without even saying good-bye to Aye. Gawin knew his friend would freak out when she realized he was gone, but the boy couldn't stay a minute longer at the party. There was no air in his lungs and all that dense energy that he had been trying to contain was taking over him.

What had he done?

That night Gawin did not sleep. He thought about how First would be hurt to see him move on so fast, how that kiss was a disrespect to his memory and how he was not worthy to carry that love in his chest. Gawin's heart sank.

During Sunday, Gawin tried to ignore the matter, focusing on his school activities. Aye called him a few times, but the guy wasn't in the mood or the energy to argue with his friend. He was ashamed to tell that he had kissed someone else, and he was angry with himself.

But the worst day would be Monday. It always is.

He had spent a sleepless night, marathoning series. When he woke up, he realized that the alarm clock had already gone off a long time ago and that if he didn't run, he wouldn't make it in time for Anatomy class - the same class he had in common with Krist. Maybe Krist would miss that day, which would give Gawin enough time to think about it more, understand his feelings better. But Krist wasn't the type of person to skip classes.

And he was right!

Gawin entered the classroom, silently as he always did, past Krist, who expressed a smile but was ignored. He sat on the back of the class.

When class ended, Gawin tried to leave unnoticed. He was in no mood to talk about the kiss. In other situations, it would have been just another kiss, but something had stirred inside him. And it was that feeling that worried him.

He managed to get past Krist and ran to the elevator, but the door had just closed. He was about to turn around, but he saw that Krist had already left the room. The boy turned his back, trying to camouflage himself in that hallway with students passing by on all sides, but Krist found him.

"So, it's going to be like this?"

Gawin looked at Krist. He didn't know what to say and what to do. "Krist..." Gawin started to say, but no further explanation came out of his mouth. He didn't have one. He was very empty.

"I thought you were different. If you don't want to kiss me again, I'm fine with that. But you don't have to pass me off as if I didn't exist. Now that's just plain stupid," he spat the words at Gawin. A pause and the: "You know what, I don't even know why I'm here waiting for an explanation from you. Go to hell you and your superior air," he said one last time and turned away.