After Darkness

*21. The goodbye*

Grief does not end, it transforms. Gawin couldn't remember who had told him this at First's funeral, but he was now beginning to understand very well what it meant. The funeral is just the first farewell we have to the person we love. Then comes the first Christmas without them, the first summer, the first trip. With the anniversary of First's death less than a month away, Gawin was now facing his last first without his beloved: First's first anniversary after his death.

Perhaps if Krist had stayed to sleep with him, as Gawin had suggested, he would not have decided to make the trip. But he needed that last farewell, so he was ok with that. Gawin no longer felt guilty for liking Krist, he now understood that the boy held a special place in his heart as well, his own place, and that he wasn't there to replace someone who lived only in his memory now. He felt he needed to share this with First because he was no longer suffering and Gawin knew how happy First would be to hear that.

The decision was last minute, and setbacks always happen when we make unexpected decisions. He put his cellphone on top of the bedside table, took a shower, packed his backpack, and left. In a few hours, before the sun even rose, Gawin arrived at his parents' house.

"Son, what are you doing here?", Mrs. Caskey asked, surprise visible in her eyes.

"Today is his birthday, mom..."

He didn't need to say any more. The woman took her son into the kitchen and began to prepare coffee for him. From time to time, she threw glances at the boy, as if she expected him to burst into tears at any moment. This had happened a lot, especially in the first few months after First's death. It had been a difficult adjustment for Gawin and Mrs. Caskey had never seen her son so sad as he was at that time.

She was happy, of course, when on one of his trips he seemed a little more excited, even if on one of those trips it was to rescue Mrs. Kanaphan, First's mother, who had tried to commit suicide. In fact, that was the trip where she was sure her son was making peace with life again.

Mrs. Caskey poured a cup of coffee for his son, who looked pretty tired from the journey. She sat across from the boy.

"How are you?" Mrs. Caskey asked.

"I'm fine. I miss him, you know? Today I'm more used to it, and I understood that it's okay to go back to life. But I still miss him every day. But I notice that be happy wouldn't make First hurt, on the contrary, I'm sure he'd be happy. Because that's what I would want from him, if it was I who had died."

Thoughts and feelings are not experienced at the same intensity. As he said goodbye to First at his funeral, Gawin knew that he should go on living, seeking his happiness, but his heart was closed, torn, frustrated. Now he wasn't there to ask First's permission for anything. His heart knew that he was happy with Krist and that he is in love with the boy. He was there to say his last goodbye. That was what that trip was about. Life is not about an arrival and departure path, but about beginnings and endings of cycles.

Gawin was looking forward to that last reunion with First. Not that he would stop visiting the boy's grave forever, but it wouldn't be that frequent. It was time to let him go.

When the sun was up - and his mother had gone back to bed - Gawin walked quietly down the street. During the trip, the boy had realized that he had forgotten his cell phone at home. But maybe it was good to have some time unplugged, he promised himself it would be the last time he did that with Krist. On Monday, he would explain everything, tell him about his crazy disappearances, and then he would give Krist nothing but love. His current boyfriend deserved an entire Gawin.

Gawin had never thought of dying, not a moment since losing First had that crossed his mind. He had just lost the will to live, which wasn't the same thing as wanting to die. But that time was in the past. Still, it broke his heart again to see First's grave, perhaps it was a reality he would never be 100% ok with.