Larry's Journal

Today at the Office

So there I am sitting at the office trying to read about Katy Perry on Wikipedia.  In walks Jim, a real kiss ass, the guy who's always using stupid ass phrases like "create synergy" and "teamwork pays".  In reality he's a secretary to the division manager even though he calls himself administrative assistant or some bullshit.  I bet he reads leadership books and thinks he's in charge of shit.  I'd like to bitch slap him so hard his mother tastes it for giving birth to such a pile.  But I digress.  Here's how the day went:

9:30 a.m.

Jim doesn't knock and walks right into my office.

"Hello Jim," I say with sarcastic undertones.

"Look I don't mean to tell you how to do your job—"

Yes you fucking do but go on dicklips.

"—but, a little birdie told me you didn't make your numbers last month," says the secretary.

"Well, yeah, it was a slow month, I'm running down leads though and things look promising."

Who the fuck?  Do you think you're like assistant manager or some shit?  You should be eating lunch with the temps or alone like Steven Glansberg you fat ass.  Nobody likes you so just shut the fuck up already!

"Well, I just wanted to check in and let you know we're monitoring things."

No your boss is and he certainly didn't tell you to interrupt me using office resources to download Katy Perry's tits into my mental spank bank.

In a sincere and lowly voice I say, "Ok, well I'm working on it.  I'm doing my best."

Fuck me.  He's still standing there looking like a god damned little child with a blank stare on his smug face.

"Well, let's see that you do, ok buddy?"

Oh you prick, don't you call me buddy.  I will cunt punt you to Mars you sloppy shitstain.

I whisper, "Your breath smells like dick."

"What'd you say, sorry couldn't hear that?"

Sarcastically I retort, "I said ok boss, loud and clear."

I give him a fake salute that turns into a middle finger as he walks away.

10:30 a.m.

I really haven't done shit all morning. Checked some emails and fucked off on the internet.  I dominated a solitaire game and made some weird hip actions at the computer like I fucked it good.  In walks Jane, I like Jane.  She's nice and smart and funny.  The kind of chick I wish I'd married instead of my two-legged whore of a wife.

"Hey Larry, how's it going?"

"Oh, pretty good, except for Jim, he acts like he's my boss but I deal with it."

"Oh yeah, that guy's the worst, he thinks he's important or some shit, right?  He's always creeping on me asking me to dinner."

"Wow, you should file a sexual harassment suit on him.  He's such a dick.  Well, I don't mean that, you're pretty, I can understand how he'd hit on you."

He's a dickless wonder who should be throat punched.  Why is he hitting on her anyway?  It's obvious the guy loves big meaty pricks.  This is the only chick in the office that's nice and not a complete waste of oxygen.

"Well thanks, don't let him get you down.  You're doing great."

"Thanks!" I say.

2:00 p.m.

I stroll in after taking a two hour lunch.  I really just drove around town for a few hours trying to avoid this depressing hell hole.  Fuck there's Jim.  I pull a navy seal maneuver to sneak through cubicles and avoid him.  Score!  He didn't see me.  I sneak into my office unscathed.

4:30 p.m.

After two hours of doing jack shit I sneak out of the office.  Happy hour is calling my name and I can't get there fast enough.  If I don't have three fingers of scotch before I get home I may destroy the place.  At least I survived the work day but it's only Monday.  This shit will be a challenge to navigate.  Susan is blowing up my phone like a good little bitch.  God, I can't have a moment to myself.  Oh well, until next time...

Larry