Larry's Journal

Lord of the Rings

This day was just utterly ridiculous. Here's how it went:

3:30 p.m.

I left work early to pick the kids up from school. They'd been begging for me to pick them up for weeks. Why? No idea. Maybe the bus sucks. Timmy comes out of school looking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. His backpack is full of something. He's walking ridiculously slow so I get out to help him. I'm already irritated I have to pick them up from school and miss happy hour but it's what responsible parents do. Right?

"Hey buddy, you need some help?"

"Yeah, I checked out some library books."

"Cool, let me take that."

Fuck me, it must weight 50 lbs. Are these books made of lead? Jesus.

"Put your seat belt on we have to go get your sister."

"Ok."

3:40 p.m.

We head over to go pick up Kaley and she doesn't say much. I don't think anything. It's nothing out of the ordinary.

So we're driving home and all of a sudden I have some teenage assholes riding my bumper honking their horn and shit. What the hell, I've got kids in the car you little punk shits. I start driving slower, really pissing them off. Fuck 'em. Obviously their parents never taught them manners so Professor Larry is about to give them a lecture.

This little sumbitch is laying on his horn now.

I say, "Hey kids, what's that over there?"

When they turn their heads I shoot these little shit buttons the bird. They're pissed now. The road goes to two lanes and they whip around next to me.

I can now see what's going on. They have girls in the car they're trying to impress.

This little asshole rolls down his window, big mistake.

"Hey you old fuck, get out of the way!"

They start laughing and the girls don't look impressed: typical.

"Hey, why don't you watch your mouth in front of my kids?"

"What are you going to do about it old man?"

"I'm going to pull out later, like your parents should have done about 16 years ago."

The girls start snickering in the back. This does not sit well with tweedle dee and tweedle dumbfuck.

"How about we whip your fucking ass?"

"How are you going to do that when you guys have your hands full, shifting each other's gears in the front seat?"

I start making gestures at them like they're shifting gears in each other's crotches.

"Bet you boys row the fuck out of some crew. Up there dick shifting each other like some fucking champions!"

This sends the girls in the back into full on laughter.

These little shits look like they're about to start crying. You don't fuck with the master of insults or you get made to look like a fool.

"Fuck you old man!"

"Didn't I tell you not to curse in front of my kids?"

Their lane is ending up ahead and they start to speed up to get in front of me. I match their speed and won't let them over. I start flipping them off when the kids aren't looking. They refuse to hit their brakes and get behind me. I'll show them I mean business.