Larry's Journal

Baby Shower

Before you ask, Susan is not pregnant: at least not with my kid. No, ol' Jimbo piss patrol has a sister and she's pregnant. So we've been getting our inboxes spammed with all kinds of nonsense about Uncle Jim this, Uncle Jim that.

Ok, you're proud we get it dick cheese. But today is the day of the big baby shower that Jim has been excited about for months.

He's invited the entire office. Most people just sent a card or something. Not me though, I'm not missing this shit. Are you kidding me? I get free cake, off work early, and a chance to embarrass Jim in front of his whole family at the same time? That's a hell of a day. It went like this:

9:00 a.m.

I come into work and it looks like the baby shower is going to take place in the office. Jesus, are you kidding me? Jim is skipping around like a Disney character. I swear he's singing fruity ass songs in his head.

"Hey Larry, beautiful morning isn't it?"

Is any fucking morning beautiful, Jim? I want to rape your face.

"Yeah, really great, you appear to be in a good mood. What's going on?"

Somebody blow my brains out because he's about to tell me.

"You know it's the baby shower today, I probably sent some excessive emails."

"You think? I may have to mark you as spam. Hahaha," I say with the most sarcastic laugh one can imagine.

"Oh, you're too funny, sorry about that. I'm just so excited! You're coming right?"

"Is there cake?"

"Yes."

"Cherry coke?"

"Yes. I got it just for you, as you requested in all 28 replies to all of my emails."

"Yeah, I guess I can make it by."

You're damn right I'll be there, with a video camera, bitch!

10:30 a.m.

I leave the office early. I have to get to the novelty shop. I ordered this card when I first got the invite. It's beautiful. Can't give away what it is though. Just keep reading.

1:00 p.m.

It's almost time to head out. Jim had flowers delivered to the office so he could take them in when he arrives. Stupid bastard. He puts the card in with them and leaves them unattended to go boss someone around. I start fumbling through the 40 envelopes I bought to make sure I got a match. I forge the front of his envelope on mine and switch them out. Hah! Stupid shit sweeper.

"Alright Larry, you ready?"

"Yeah, got the video camera in my car. See you there."

1:15 p.m.

I stop by the bar and take three shots.

1:30 p.m.

I arrive feeling nice as fuck. Jim starts instructing me on all the video shots he wants. I'm not paying attention to one word.

"Yeah Jim, got it."

I immediately go to Jim's bathroom and drop the Mona Lisa of mud slides in his toilet. His house is really small and this shit is radiating throughout. I am sitting there basking in it as pleased as can be.

1:45 p.m.

Everyone is mingling. I've seen a few wrinkled noses when they came within 10 feet of the bathroom. Classic! I see Jim leave his drink unattended. I saunter over and break out the Miralax from my pocket while grinning deviously. I fill his glass up with enough to not cause any discoloring or change the taste. I'm very pleased.