Larry's Journal

Couple's Counseling

I do not know why I ever thought it'd be a good idea to agree to this. The day before, Susan had come up to me, this never happens. I'm thinking, "What the hell?"

"I think we should go to couple's counseling."

Did I just hear that correctly? I start choking a little.

"Come again?"

"I think our marriage could use some work and counseling would do us some good."

What marriage? Whatever, I get out of work for it. "Fine, make the appointment."

Here's how things went the day of the appointment:

9:00 a.m.

I'm already regretting saying yes to this shit. I have to go pay some prick snack to tell us stupid shit like "we need to communicate better" or "listen to what they say and repeat it back" like anyone ever really does that.

"Susan, appointment is at 9:30, let's go."

"Coming."

She's dressed like we're going to a black tie event. I'm in jeans and a t-shirt not giving one single fuck.

"Let's go!" I say in a pressing voice.

"Ok, ok."

9:30 a.m.

We arrive at hell, nothing much to talk about on the car ride. We just sat there awkwardly. I notice that this pussy fart drives a new BMW. Glad I'll be making one of his payments. Who the hell is a male marriage counselor anyway? Talking about feelings is not for men. I'm convinced he's gay or in the closet and I've never even met the guy. Don't give a fuck.

9:45 a.m.

I write a check, $250 for an hour.

"Jesus Christ. Susan, was there not a Groupon for this shit?"

"You're embarrassing me!"

"I thought we could say whatever we wanted in this place? It's all lies and bullshit with you."

10:00 a.m.

He comes out to get us and he's definitely a fruitcake. He is wearing mom jeans with a little polo shirt tucked in. His fly is unzipped, I can't stop staring, and he talks like a little girl. I'm giggling my dick off every time he speaks. Fuck him, $250 then makes you wait 30 minutes. A hooker is cheaper and more fulfilling.

We walk in and it's like a cliche blew its load in here. There is a little leather couch and his swivel chair with degrees hanging all over the wall.

"So, tell me why you're here today."

Is this guy serious? This is what I'm paying for? Are those degrees from Acme University?

"I'll take this one Susan," I say, clearing my throat sarcastically, "apparently, we have marriage problems."

He looks irritated already.

"Ok, ok, I get it. Let's get to the point. Why don't you guys introduce yourselves."

"Hello, I'm Susan."

They both turn to me and I'm staring out of the window. I turn around.

"Oh, it's my turn? I'm Larry, the good one in the relationship."

"Larry, there are no good ones and bad ones," says the fruit fly.

Yes there are.

"Well I am Jonathan, as you can see I have degrees and I am a certified marriage counselor."