Larry's Journal

Bus Stop Blues

7:00 a.m.

Susan is on some bullshit business trip.  It's probably a four day vacation turned bukakke.  I wouldn't care if I didn't have to chase kids around all weekend.  Oh well, better than seeing her stupid face.  So we're about to head out the door and I sit there tapping my foot waiting for Timmy to finish turning the door handle nine fucking times.

"Didn't they give you things to work on in therapy about this? Do we need to practice?"

He yells, "I have to do it or the mean people will get me!!  Why don't you understand that?"

Well excuse me for not thinking of the mean people and their clandestine agenda.  I probably don't understand because you're a barking loon, how, why, ahh fuck it.  Let's just get through this.

"Ok that's nine!  It's time to go."

"I have to start over because you interrupted me!"

Oh for fuck's sake, no wonder the kids throw your books in the trash and call you shitso boy!  Jesus, I'm going to be late to work and have to hear Jim's bullshit.

7:15 a.m.

We finally made it to the bus stop after this little prick takes nine baby steps before landing on each god damn crack on the sidewalk with his right foot perfectly in the middle of it.

"Alright, have a great day at school, ok?"

"I don't want to go.  All the kids make fun of me."

Oh shit ass shit, why can't he just get on the damn bus and be normal?

"Ok, well you have to get an education, it's very important.  Don't listen to those kids, they're just mad because their parents are alcoholics and beat them."

Shit!  Did I just say that out loud in front of the other parents?  I look at them and make the crazy gesture where you twirl your index finger next to your skull.

"Kids?  Am I right?"

I'm sure human services will be paying me a visit.

"Look, I'm sorry the kids make fun of you, kids are mean ok?  Just try to ignore them the best you can."

He gives me nine hugs and gets on the bus.  Yeah, he's loony tunes but I still love him.  He's my son.

7:30 a.m.

I look down at Kaley.

"Alright, you ready to go to school?"

"Ok."

Finally, the normal one.  She's probably not that normal she just doesn't like people much.  She likes her animals.  She probably has imaginary friends or just inherited my knack for having fucked up thoughts about everything.  She's probably calling me a sad pathetic waste of space in her mind right now.

"Alright sweetie, let's go."

7:45 a.m.

Mission accomplished.  The kids are where they're supposed to be.  Time to call in sick to work and have a relax day.

8:00 a.m.

Called in sick and Jim answered.  Fuck me.  Told him I had explosive diarrhea.  He didn't question it.  That's a win although I don't know how many times I can use that and IBS as an excuse.  Although, having beer shits isn't far off from either of those so I don't consider it lying.  I sit around like any normal dude home alone: beer and porn.  Wow, drinking at 8 a.m.  My life is shit.

9:00 a.m.

I'm at the happy stage of my buzz; texting people and being nice while I have the chance.  Hopefully it'll hold them over for a month and they won't talk to me.  Better run to the store and stock up before I'm incapacitated.  Hey, when you're having a good day keep it going.

11:00 a.m.

I'm stocked up and getting hammered.  I'm at that depressed stage of drunkenness.  Wondering where it all went wrong and why I want to take a gun to everyone on my mortal enemy list and watch them beg me for a bullet.  Hah!  Wait whoa, that's morbid.  Oh well, fuck 'em.  Wife's first.  Shit, I should make hers look like an accident so I can collect life insurance and not get fucked in prison.  I'll have to think about that one.

12:00 p.m.

It's pizza time.  I managed to get my order correct slurring on the phone.  I tipped the kid 100% for being such a great listener.  I kept him there for 30 minutes telling him my problems.  Nap time, have to pick up Kaley later and I can't be wobbling across the parking lot like a wino.  It's a good day.  It could only get better if Jim dies in a fiery automobile crash.

Larry