Not so Heroic After All

Guilt

Warnings: There will be some cursing. All ideas from first season of Flash belong to the CW and DC comics.

...

There was something wrong with the Speed Force. Something changed. A rupture in the very fabric of time itself. It was tearing the world apart, bit by bit, changing things. Wally never became Kid Flash, the Earthgov destroyed nearly all metahumans, and the Mirror Master dominated the New Earth and all its multiple timelines. Everything was so wrong. And to top it all off, Barry Allen was nowhere to be found.

There was only one solution. She had to go back and search for him.

Just perfect.

...

The moment Eddie was shot just kept running through Barry's head over and over again.

The look on Iris's face, the utter despair, he couldn't forget it. She looked like she had lost her only happiness. Her only love. And it was all Barry's fault.

"Bar," Joe called. "What are you doing? We're about to leave."

The funeral for Eddie was going to be a family event. No one was coming except for his close friends and family; Iris and Joe, Barry, Cisco and Caitlin, and Firestorm as well. Barry hadn't heard from Oliver or Felicity, but they never really knew Eddie anyway. It was only going to be the crew of S.T.A.R. Labs, and his almost-fiance.

They gathered in Central City Cemetery, looking down at an empty grave. Eddie's body had been sucked up in the singularity, leaving no trace he ever existed. That's probably why it was so hard for Iris. There was no way to say goodbye to someone that was wiped from existence in the blink of an eye. She could only look at the flowers over his grave, holding his engagement ring with thin, bony fingers.

Barry stared at the gravestone, remembering Eddie. Remembering his face as he looked at Iris, saying with his very last breath, "That's all I ever wanted. To be your hero." He knew Eddie didn't mean it that way, that this was a private moment, but it filled him with an intense guilt. He had tried so many times to steal Iris away from Eddie, and now in a way he finally had. But it didn't feel good. It felt like he had done something unforgivable. He was ashamed of himself.

"Barry, you okay?" Caitlin asked, touching his shoulder lightly. He looked at her and forced a nod. It seemed to satisfy her, but Joe wasn't so easily fooled. He knew Barry as well as he knew Iris. He knew when Barry was lying.

"Barry, can I see you for a second?" Joe asked, letting go of a crestfallen Iris, who had not spoken since Eddie had left this world. He handed her over to Caitlin with care before making his way over to Barry.

They walked far enough so that they wouldn't be heard, which Barry appreciated. He didn't want Iris to hear his dark thoughts. Heroes weren't supposed to have dark thoughts.

"I know what you're thinking. You are not responsible for Eddie's death," Joe said fiercely, while Barry focused on the wilting grass, willing it to swallow him up. When Barry didn't answer, Joe took him by the shoulders. "Did you hear what I said? Eddie took his own life. You were only trying to do the right thing. There was no way anyone could have known what Eddie would do. He made his own choice."

"Yeah but Joe, he was depressed because of me. Because of my feelings for Iris. He saw the headline and assumed he could have no future with Iris because I was the one that married her. That's on me, Joe. He felt like he had no other choice, like he could only be a hero in Iris's eyes if he killed himself. That's because I drove him to it. I never supported their relationship, and he knew that. No matter how many times I said I wanted Iris to be happy, I was lying. I wanted her to be happy, but with me."

Joe shook his head. "That's not your fault either. You can't help how you feel about Iris. And honestly, I'm the one that boosted your confidence enough for you to feel entitled to her feelings. Blame this one on me, but please don't blame yourself."

Barry felt so grateful to Joe for always encouraging him. He could never blame him for anything. He was struck once again with the profound relief that came from knowing he made the right decision for once. He lost a mother, but he kept a beloved father. It was a tough decision, but he knew it was the only one he could live with. He couldn't live in a world where he hardly knew Joe.

Joe gave Barry one last meaningful look before returning to his grieving daughter. Alone once again, Barry allowed his thoughts to run rampant, picturing Eddie's death once again. No matter what Joe said, he knew part of it was his fault. And there was no way he could ever make it up to Iris.

...

Barry hated to admit it, but S.T.A.R. Labs was strangely empty without Dr. Wells. Whatever else he was, he mentored Barry like no one else, and even admitted to feeling proud of who he had become. That was the twisted part. How could you love someone you were meant to hate? It made no sense to Barry, but he half-believed the crazy man.

Cisco waved him over to the computer. "Take a look at this, Barry. Something strange is happening to the particle accelerator. It seems to be emitting high levels of electromagnetic radiation, which could only be caused by the activation of the machine. We haven't touched the accelerator since..." since Eddie died.

Caitlin had left for her honeymoon with Ronnie, but had promised to be back within the week. "I don't want to leave you two nerds by yourself for too long. Who knows what damage you could do to Central City without me." Cisco and Barry had waved her off, but as soon as she had gotten on the plane with Ronnie, turned to look at each other with twin grins of mischief.

Now Barry silently wished for Caitlin's calm and collected presence. With half of the S.T.A.R. Labs team gone, anything could happen. Including, apparently, reactivation of the particle accelerator that destroyed several lives, set several metahumans running amok in Central City, and caused infinite problems for Barry and his friends.

"I'll try and deactivate the accelerator, but it might require a manual shutdown. That's all you man." Cisco gave him a thumbs up, returning to his task of trying to shut down the machine that had the potential to release another explosion. What a disaster that would be.

Barry had his suit on and was downstairs inside the particle accelerator in a flash. He looked around, seeing red lights flashing, knowing this meant a possible kaboom that could destroy them all. He stared at the place where the portal had been, the place where Eddie had died, where Eobard Thawne had ceased to be. It was there, in that very same spot, that another singularity was opening.

Barry practically screamed in frustration as he prepared himself for doing what he did to stop the previous black hole. He would have to circle around the hole several times in reverse motion, dispelling the force with which the hole drew its power. It would also give him excessive dizziness.

Before he could move a muscle, something flew out of the growing hole into the S.T.A.R. Labs, heading straight for Barry with a shrill scream of "Holy Shit!"

...

I hope you liked it! Please comment. And also, just fyi in case it was confusing, when Joe called Barry "Bar" it isn't pronounced like bar, it's pronounced like bare. Like a shortening of his name. Okay, that is all. :)