I am Fiachra

Idol

It's always good to have an idol - someone to look up to. Be it a teacher, your favourite artist or a close relative. Someone that you can compare as your real life superhero.

Especially during transition, changing can be tough and you will constantly need encouragment. During summer of 2014 I had not been out to my parents. I was in a long distance relationship with a boy from England. I wasn't well. I tried to convince myself that I wasn't transgender. I compared myself to other transgender individuals. I had widened my friend circle, and I had all sorts of friends who identify as anything - agender, bigender, and some still questioning. I compared my feelings of being transgender to others and what they felt. And to me I wasn't transgender. I had brainwashed myself into denying what I felt and what I really was. If I asked 2014 me why, they'd have said something stupid. Something like 'I can't deal with it right now,' when really I was just running. I was scared, terrified.

How would people around me react? We've all heard stories of abusive, unsupportive parents and friends. All stories that haunt us, that make us wish we weren't or willl never be transgender. And friends - how would my friends react? I had two good friends, two of the most important people in my entire life and they completed me. What would happen if one of them left? The very thought frightened me, and what's even worse is that I purposely thought about it to scare me away from the very thought of being transgender.

I wasn't against being transgender, and I am not and was never transphobic. I was just scared. I was frightened of what would happen if my parents or my friends didn't accept me. My parents have been supportive throughtout my entire life, but of course our family really isn't perfect - just like any other family. My parents are seperated and have been for almost five years. It has been tough but I prefer it this way. Sometimes I wondered and hypnotized myself into believing they seperated because of me, and if I were to come out as transgender to them the situation would only get worse. If you have studied the classic of star-crossed lovers Romeo and Juliet by Shakespeare, you'll know the threat of abandonment and being disowned that Capulet wished upon Juliet when she refused to marry who he desired her to marry.

Fear is felt by almost every transgender individual in the history of life, and that's terrifying. Fear is felt about 'coming out'. I wish I could destroy the very thought of 'coming out', or 'passing'. That's why it's always good to have someone that you can turn to in time of emergency. My idol was Isabella (Bunny) Bennett.

Isabella is the most beautiful and brave lady I have ever known, and I'm so glad I had the privilege of knowing her. I don't know her in person, unfortunately. But somehow I feel like we have a lot in common. Isabella is a member of the theatrical band Steam Powered Giraffe, a band of three musical automatons who sing of topics of love, war and their creators and about anything that could possibly pop up. Isabella is a transgender artist who has inspired me greatly. She has made this journey of discovery easier for me.

Isabella is a perfect example of how things do get better. Isabella is like the 'mother of all transgender individuals'. I have wanted to thank Isabella, I have wanted to write to her and explain how much she has helped me without her even knowing. I'm afraid she'll never get the letter though, and she is a busy woman - I would be lucky if I got a reply. Hopefully one day Steam Powered Giraffe will come to Ireland to perform, and hopefully by then I'll have enough courage and I'll thank her. Or maybe she'll somehow see this (unlikely), but anyway.

Having an idol to look up to in times of difficulty is essential. It doesn't matter who they are, maybe it's the newspaper guy, or that one colllege kid you see head off to catch his bus every morning, or maybe it's that girl who caught your dog when he got out from your garden. It could be anyone. It doesn't matter who - if they encourage you to keep going is the most important thing. They encourage you to try; to never give up and to keep on fighting. It doesn't matter if you're not transgender, we all have have our battles to fight. What is important is to never let the evil win. Fight. Never back down. Fight for all those difficult times you were thrown down. Fight for your happiness. Fight for yourself.

I hope I will never give up, because I have a point to prove. I can't prove it when I'm ten feet under the ground now, can I?